Thanks but no thanks!

We have 66 days to go. It is customary to be snooty about snooker. Years ago a sports editor asked me what I saw in the game. "It is not very aerobic, is it?" he sneered.

Of course not. All shapes and sizes of men play as they used to play cricket. Snooker matches, like Tests, develop slowly, the great moments need time, you cannot presume to take your eyes from the table or the pitch; but you must be a committed fan to understand why.

Sex, cricket and snooker; the more time you devote to each moment the better. So I am told.

There is one part of snooker that we will not see in the Ashes. I watched the world championship semi final today and at one point the referee decided the ball must be replaced after a miss. The player retaking his shot told him he was putting the white in the wrong spot. "Yes," you could hear the referee say, "you know you are absolutely right. It was an inch to the left. THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

If during the five Ashes Tests you hear that an umpire has thanked a player for his co-operation, you may be excused for fainting. Leave the smelling salts at home: you will not need them.

Cricketers pay lip service to following the umpire's instructions but as for helping an umpire make his decisions and being thanked for it - in heaven maybe, certainly not when Australia and England are at one another's throats!