A load from the dunny

Now - 41 days from the start - for something completely different.

Hello you Poms,

Greg here. Not my real name but I don't want the tax guys to know I have left the country. It is just that Ted says he needs some balance in his blog and he hopes I will put the Aussie point of view.

Well, that wont take long, mate. We will be taking the Ashes home with us sometime late in September and you can just cling on to that thought while we steamroller little Tim Bresnan and company into the ground.

Strewth! You guys do not do much to help yourselves, do you. Tim is not the name for a fast, well quickish, well slow medium seam bowler. Didn't his mum know he was going to be an England cricketer? Fast bowlers are called Freddie Flintoff or Trueman, Bob Willis, Steve Harmison or Harold Larwood. But Tim! You wouldn't even call a spin bowler Tim for fear his mates might want to kiss him all the time.

So we've settled that the Aussies are going to win, just like they won the First and Second World Wars, even if you do produce another cheating little run-out expert like that rat Pratt or try to make us play at midnight in the deciding match.

Ponting's boys were above all that. They knew that if they went out to bat again, your guys would shine miners' lamps in the umpire's eyes and then throw beamers at our heads. So we quit, took the traditional route home on the same ship that brought out the first convicts and camped in the Outback without food and water for six months to plan our revenge.

Did it work or did it work? It worked! Five bloody nil it worked!

Now we have picked out a dunnyload of new Aussie heroes - every one a throwback to the days when men were men and gals were glad of it - who are going to tear the Ashes from your Lord's and masters and this time we will run all the way back to Oz tossing the little urn around and yelling and hollering.

Just to make everything fair dinkum, if the series is any way close - 3-0 to us or some such, or the rain gets on a pitch or two - we will give The Queen a blast on our cell phones and ask if we can play a decider indoors, five a side, 20-20, at Buck House.

She'll say yes, sure as apples; she looks like a game bird. She's not an Aussie, is she?

More from Greg right through to the end.