Cold comfort

When I was a 'prentice hand, learning how journalism and life worked, one of my main tutors was an old Irish cavalryman - he had ended his Army days with one of those weird ranks like Corporal of Horse - whose life was governed by cute sayings he had picked up around the world.

The first sign of winter always brought out the same quote: "Jeez, if it isn't cold enough for two chinstraps."

I was reminded of that phrase when I saw the weather forecast for Cardiff over the next five days. The temperature will vary from 13C to 18C and you can bet your last Aussie dollar that the news has not been popular among Ricky Ponting's troops..

Australians hate the cold. I landed in Sydney, having been baked in India and sweated in Singapore for four months, to hear a radio DJ tell his audience: "I'm afraid the best on offer in the next 24 hours is 19C."

In other words don't head for the beach this week-end, wrap up warm for the footie and forget the suncream; mate, it's bloody freezing.

So you can forget the absence of Brett Lee, the poor form of Mitchell Johnson, the fallible spin of Nathan Horwitz, Ponting's no-show in the batting averages and Phillip Hughes' reluctance to face up to the quick bouncer and put the pennies from your children's piggy bank right on England for the first Test.

Andrew Strauss and his pals are used to cricket in April so five days in the below 20 of Wales will not mean a thing. Monty Panesar and Graeme Swann always bowl with their fingers blue, Steve Harmison, Stuart Broad and Andrew Flintoff see two sweaters as a minimum requirement and the batsmen often look on the protective armour as an addition layer of clothing.

If you want a line of form on the way the Australians will treasure the idea of a few hours play in sub-Arctic Wales think back to 1991 when West Indies did everything except hoist a white flag over Headingley. Cold? My partner Jo King wore gloves, a scarf and an overcoat - and she was scoring in the press box!

So there is no need to panic over the result. The weather is just further proof that high above us the Archangel Gabriel and the Clerk of the Weather are not just cricket fans but England fans too.

Cold enough for two chinstraps? Those Australians had better sew an extra button on their long johns if they want to be comfortable in cold, cold Cardiff.

Greg here: Don't weep for the Aussies, mate, we will survive. You're right about one thing though. When I heard the news about Brett Lee I was sure it must be a scam. What is going on, the guys looks ok at Worcester, bowls too quick for your lot and now he is out of the first two Tests and one website says he could be out of the tour. There ain't no justice any more. But the rest will see us through and Horwitz will make you eat all those nasty words you write about him. Don't say I didn't tell you as the Aussies win 3-0 or even 4-0.