The cure

Greg here,

Well, best to let Ted have the major say on the Test as soon as it became clear - like on day one - that England hold all the major cards, like winning the toss and making a few runs off Mitchell Johnson.

Mates, did you ever see such bowling in a Test match? He takes his 100th wicket in this match and if you didn't know better you will be convinced he is twins and that the ping pong player of the two goes: "Let me play at Lord's, please, double please, Mitch" and he is so bored with collecting big wickets that he goes "Oh, all right, junior, just this once, but don't tell anyone important" and the other twin plays.

Just a bit of fantasy, guys and gals, but you do see my point. Now Ricky Ponting will rush him off to Northampton - that is near enough to Leicester and just as boring - and the medical staff will give him bush tucker or a magic potion or some other voodoo and he will be right for the Test at Edgbaston. Twin flies home.

I don't reckon it's all over yet but there are times when I catch a glimpse of Ponting's face on a TV set and I think "Yes, mate, you know you have charge of the crappest side to leave Australia since convicts get the vote and that you are going to be the first Aussie captain for 100 years to lose two series in a row here."

On the other hand I am proud of the way the lads conduct themselves. Seriously bad umpiring decisions for England and against Oz, no Brett Lee, Johnson can't hit Ayres Rock from ten yards, new side bound to have hiccups now and again, and still fighting on the last day.

What's more, when they lose, they go "thank you" quite politely, "England is the better team", clap nicely and are very genteel when the Queen comes down their line, which if I am to believe what I read in the British nasty press, is more than her partner The Big Duke can manage when someone tries to make lunchtime conversation.

"Enjoy your lunch, sir?"

"What a stupid question."

We won't try to teach the old boy good manners, but we will be ready to pounce on the first mistake made by England and see if they come up smiling in the next three Tests.

Oh, and by the way, well done Freddie Flintoff. Sorry you have to quit mate but we all love you to pieces and if you're ever in Oz do drop in. Ted's got the address and he says you're a nice guy and you'll be good with the kids and with the fans.

See you-all soon,

Greg Orry