Political Greg

Greg here

Yes, i'm still here, courting Kate and thinking it will be nice to see the one-day matches and while I'm here Ted says put something in his blog. I guess he is all written out, poor bugger, what with his missus doing all the work, him having gout and the blog needing to be filled every day.

"Doesn't much matter what the subject is," he says so here goes.

This business - just a rumour, an urban myth and a bit of a conspiracy theory, all right - about the Ashes being rigged so that the crowds for the next series Down Under are big.

Well, first of all I don't see how it is done without some wise guy wanting to spill the beans and earn a heap of money; but secondly, why not?

Cricket is an entertainment; anything to put bums on seats, give the spectators value for money and make them think they will see a good series next time.

Cricket is certainly not a competitive sport; otherwise the English counties will support 50-over cricket instead of plumping for the 40-over version which will dominate next summer and which no-one else plays. They will also - and heaven help me, I am backing Ted once again - stop employing all those Yarpies and give some young British players more of a go.

I say that if the series is rigged - and I still want to know how you get a whole team to lose - good luck to the plotters.

The more I think about it - no my tiny Aussie brain does not hurt - the more I see a similarity with the case of the guy who is supposed to blow up that Pan Am plane and kill all those passengers.

The British, the Scots or the English - you can take your pick - send him home because the poor sod is dying and now they may - or may not depending who you believe - get some of the oil sloshing around Lybia's deserts.

Nice work if you can get it. Well done, Mr.Brown, Mr. Straw and whoever else has a hand in the deal. Tough, Mr. Obama. Pity you didn't have someone to swap for a can or three.

See, what cricket does today, the rest of the world does next week.

Keep smiling,

Greg Orry

Sport imperfect

Two top snooker players have been questioned, but not charged, after one wins a UK title match 9-3 and so many people bet on 9-3 that bookies close the book.

All this week there have been amazing revelations about the extent to which illegal blood injuries exist within Rugby Union. Harlequins' guilt seems to be a matter of how many take part rather than the need to prove the case but now the All Blacks, the Australians, England and other Six Nations sides are also being accused.

I remember what we - ie the Rugby League lads - used to say when professionalism in RU was debated 50 years ago. "There will be deaths if money is brought into their game," we swore. There have been no fatalities - happily - but there is clearly a lot of shady behaviour and in fact I cannot remember being more offended by news of cheating as I have been by what happened in their cup-tie. Some of my horror comes from memories of the way RU officials used to claim the morale high ground because RL players were paid. Even in the 1950s there were stories from RU converts that they had been paid when they were "amateurs".

In football, there are several rows blowing up about players diving, the need for video replays to cut out player mistakes, and the role of the disciplinary bodies. The footballers earn colossal amounts compared with snooker, cricket and Rugby guys and to hear of someone cheating to earn more when they are so rich always sticks in the craw.

Where does cricket come in all this cheating? Who knows, but there is a fantasy that the results of the 2005 and 2009 Ashes series were rigged to ensure spectator interest and big gates in the following Ashes series in Oz.

I also remember one of the inner circle of cricket notables saying: "No, they would not dream of doing such a thing" when he was told of the drug taking among players in the 1980s. Now we know that is all true. That same guy has repeatedly refused to write his inner story of a life in cricket. Why?

We all know that "match-fixing" - or if you accept my definition, "player-fixing" - went on and may be alive and kicking.

I once heard a sporting type describe the comic effects of painting a greyhound and the rain washing away the result. It made for a fine party piece but there must have been a loser too. Stories of naughty doings in horse racing crop up all too often, tennis has had to investigate unususal betting patterns, and athletics is apparently fuelled by drugs to the extent that some will not celebrate the arrival of a great new talent like Usain Bolt in case the cheers turn to tears.

Is it new? No, of course, not. I visited the site of one of the ancient Olympic Games and saw where athletes who cheated were flogged.

Sport is a beautiful, romantic dream life for those who take part and those who watch but never imagine it is clean, or perfect, or true to its proclaimed ideals.

Sadly.

Reasons to be cross

An Australian GP driver,
Says what I feel,
"Our lot" - the Aussie cricketers - "lose
But your team is no good

"We hit more tons, we take more wickets,
We lose but the stats are all wrong
Your side is full of South Africans
Ugh," he says.

A week later it makes me cross too.
Besides, there's never been
So much hype; listen to me
Be prepared for a shock

Just because Andrew Strauss and his lucky men
Win a Test series that's not proof
He's an OK captain
Jardine and Hutton laugh in their graves

So his men like him; it hardly matters
More to the point, can he inspire, mix and match
Take a risk? Learn while he plays.
I don't see the evidence

They call him conservative, defensive, unwilling to
Risk defeat; how else to search out victory
He creates nothing, he cannot set a field,
He has no ideas of his own, he's a sheep not a collie,

But where is his rival? They tried the brightest
And rejected his solution
Now his action is called an attempted coup
Rubbish. You can't try to unearth a king 2,000 miles away

At least KP had daring, ideas and plans
Led the team back to India; but frightened
The bosses who went for the safest pair of hands
Now look where we stand

Even a racing driver can see
That England are a shadow
Ready to return to Oz
And another whitewash

In contrast with England's problems in Belfast, Australia, without their captain Ricky Ponting who is on a brief holiday back home, had no trouble in disposing of Scotland by 189 runs at the Grange in Edinburgh. Brett Lee, who missed all the Ashes games, was grinning as broadly as ever. Perhaps he will tell the England batsmen what the joke is before the two T20 matches and seven one-day games unless he adopts Andy Murray's belief that sport is too important for laughter. "Funny game?" asked Herbert Sutcliffe, the great Yorkshire opening batsman, "It's not meant to be."

Wisden, the most conservative, old-fashioned, unchanging and unchangeable book of sporting record, is to produce an electronic version. Whatever next? Baseball mitts for fielders, night vision goggles for floodlit matches and - Bob Woolmer's dream if you remember - two way radios so that the coach can play a more important part in the tactics. Give it 20 years and we might have all those modern additions to the old game. The whining noise is not from the radios; it is John Wisden spinning in his grave.

B level

Paul - "we must learn to be ruthless" - Collingwood leads the England one-day side to victory against the Irish by TWO runs in the warm-up to the series againt the Aussies. Answer this question, using a black pen and writing on one side of the paper only: Do England need more luck with the weather? Do they need a less ambitious captain? Does our Colly need a new speech writer?

Going up

A lot of foolishness has been talked since Super Sunday and it is time for a word of caution like that delivered by Andy Flower, the England coach. England have now risen to fifth in the world rankings and for a while that may be as far as they get. Anyone who imagines they will shoot further up those rankings by playing against South Africa in the Republic had better think again. Yes, I know the Australians won in South Africa but Graeme Smith's men are now the No.1 side in the world, full of that hey-the-Zulus-are-coming-lets-get-the-wagons-in-a-circle mentality that has saved Tests in the past. If the going gets tough, they simply bat. Runs don't matter; men like Smith, A B de Villiers and Jacques Kallis will hide behind bats and pads until the danger has passed. Last time England won back the Ashes they mistakenly thought they had only to arrive at a Test ground to win: the result was summed up by the 5-0 drubbing from Brisbane to Sydney. It can happen again but if they listen to Flower they might - strengthened by Kevin Pietersen, with the addition of Jonathon Trott and Stuart Broad's rising star - creep a little nearer the top of the tree. But it aint going to be easy.

The People's Player

Andrew Flintoff will play again, once he has gone through the familiar, painful misery called re-hab.

That is the good news immediately after England won the Ashes - and stayed (almost) sober - and he went into hospital to have the operation that may cure his knee troubles.

He could be excused if he adopted a cynical we-have-been-there-before-and-it's-not-worked attitude but as usual this ever-cheerful lad has looked on the bright side and never doubted, so it seems, the words of the experts.

Flintoff could be forgiven too if he were mighty annoyed at the words of a small group who seem determined to prove he is far from a giant, unfit to be mentioned in the same breath as Ian Botham and other great all-rounders and soon to be over-shadowed by the tall figure of Stuart Broad.

This group appears to grow by the day. It centres on Michael Atherton who has looked increasingly sour in the days leading up to the end of the Oval game. He was grinning when he said to Jonathon Trott "You realise that some people played in five Ashes series and never experienced this moment" but his angst was plain.

Atherton has also seemed to find a special pleasure in denigrating Flintoff. I wish he had not. It does him no credit.

There were those too, you will remember, who could not wait to plunge the knife into Diana, Princess of Wales when she died.

They ignored her humanity, her daring in breaking down convention and her refusal to toe the Royal line and accused her instead of being unreliable, neurotic and publicity-seeking.

Flintoff - remember the arm round Brett Lee - had the affection, the love even, of the man, women and particularly kids who has paid at the gate because he gave value for money, always tried hard and was, like them, prone to gaffes he regreted later.

So I will take my line from Tony Blair who called Diana The People's Princess and name Flintoff, the People's Player. He deserves that accolade; his critics never came near to achieving that sort of fame.

Exporting spin

The cafe. Greg and the waitress - she's Kate by the way now that she has been sacked for going on holiday without asking and no longer has to make the young kid's tea latte - arrive together all arms linked and clearly in love again.

The veteran speaks: "Their own fault. Picked the wrong squad, no third opener, lucky Watson made half a job of it, picked the wrong side, with no spinner. Looked a decent bowler to me. We'll have him - my county - if the Aussies don't want him. They are just a rotten side. We won without Kevin Pietersen and with half of Freddie. Or maybe two thirds. Now lets see if they panic."

I say: "They might get rid of Ponting if the selectors won't take the blame. At least the best No.3 in the world; not much of a captain. Last Aussie captain to bring the Ashes here and leave them behind - twice! - plays with no helmet, not gloves, no chest protector and no arm guard. Brave or do I mean stupid. Mind you nobody did in those days."

Kate says (leaning heavily up against Greg and looking into his eyes): "I hope you never play without protection!" Full of double meaning. He looks embarrassed. Now she has got her nails into him he is going to have to learn more British ways of thinking.

She winks at me and says: "So you reckon Ponting will have to go. What will the poor bugger do for the rest of his life?"

The young kid has persuaded someone else to make his tea latte. It looks even more revolting. He says: "He's all right is Ponting. I get about 20 in the warm-up game and he says 'Well done, mate. I don't suppose you're an Aussie who bowls a bit of spin and bats like No.7?' and his voice goes up the funny ways Aussies have."

The veteran goes: "You must be an Aussie. It explains a lot."

The kid says: "My gran spends about six months in Aussie when she gets married to one of them. He shears sheep or something. She gets bored and comes home but it is really useful experience for her. At Christmas when we play games I always get her on my side because she always knows how long is Sydney Bridge or how to spell Wagga Wagga."

I say: "I expect that means you're qualified to play for Oz."

The kid goes on: "I tell him and he gives me his email and tells me to let him know the next time I'm in Sydney. In fact I've got a winter contract with Manley and they say he lives not far away and so I mail him and he says to pop in."

"My God," says the veteran. "I have heard some strange stuff in my life but now we are exporting promising young cricketers to Oz. Just shows the state of the world. Did he ask if you know any bright young fast bowlers?"

"No," says Ponting's new best mate. "I say that Nig-Nog at the county is a good fast bowler and he says he reckons the present bunch will be top of the world in 2011 or the next time they come back and there is no need. I reckon they miss out but I will take my chance Down Under."

Greg and Kate have disappeared. The vet and I pay for all the drinks and get up to go.

The lady behind the counter says: "That lad is seeing my new girl, you know, in place of Kate. He's not going to play for England, is he?"

"No," we say together, "he knows nothing about the game."

Ashes come home

The Oval Fifth Ashes Test- day four

Preview

All the experts say it is impossible for Australia to climb that run mountain, that England must win if they bowl properly and guess that plans will have been formed to deal with all the remaining Australian batsmen.

All the same, why not have a few pennies on the Aussies. It will make you feel a lot better about your cricket judgment and give you automatic bragging rights for the rest of your days.

It might even enable you to buy yourself the sort of watch I have just been offered by some advertising guy who has got hold of my email address.

Meanwhile it is a lovely day at the Oval, sunshine, crowds gathering full of pretty girls, bright summer colours and men with heavy sun tans; and the bars are open.

Enjoy!

To lunch

Plenty to enjoy for all the 20,000 or so souls in the ground. The trumpeter was back. He was "encouraged" not to attend at Headingley, you may remember and he is clearly, by ground authority definiton, a subversive influence, playing the National Anthem and other such revolutionary tunes. I just found him relaxing and the Barmy Army clearly love him.

The openers both went lbw in successive overs; Simon Katich foolishly without playing a shot and Shane Watson, foolishly thinking he was not out. So after 30 minutes we saw the typical Ricky Ponting struggle to survive until he was ten and Michael Hussey typically batting nerves first, every sinew stretched.

By lunch they had not just survived but set Andrew Strauss problems he could not sort out and I guess he chaired a committee meeting during the interval so that he could find who to bowl next.

He had tried Stuart Broad who might have had three wickets and Graeme Swann who snapped out an appeal every other over. They took the wickets, and James Anderson and Andrew Flintoff offered support.

Who to bowl next? Perhaps the dressing room committee will come up with an answer. I thought that, for the first time, England missed Monty Panesar, even bowling badly, as a contrast.

To tea

It's not often that England rely entirely on their fielders but today three great pieces of out-cricket gave them a tight grip on the game.

First Flintoff threw down Ponting's stumps from mid-on - a 30 yard throw - and reminded us all that in the Trent Bridge Test four years ago Ponting was also run out by a direct hit that gave England the Ashes.

Those who knock Flintoff forget those moments only he can initiate and that, in the words of Geoff Boycott, "Freddie never bowls a bad spell." That remark, rather than snide comments on his "lack of professionalism" ought to be his reward for a fine career.

Four balls later Michael Clarke stumbled forward and was run out by a Strauss direct hit and at 236-5 Marcus North was stumped by Matt Prior off Swann as he pushed forward and clearly thought his foot was still behind the line. Umpire Billy Bowden made no reference to the third umpire but was correct in a tight decision.

At tea England were almost home with Australia 265-5 and the tail waiting their turn to hand back the Ashes.

To the Ashes

Soon after tea Swann persuaded Brad Haddin to play one more rash attacking shot, Steve Harmison snapped up two victims in successive balls and three in a row and then, and quite right too, Swann finished off the match by having Hussey caught to crown his marathon stint with four wickets.

Australia were all out for 348, England had won by 197 runs and the Ashes had come home; but this time the celebrations had none of the bravado of 2005. At this moment, the sadness of his retirement seemed to hit Flintoff hard and when Harmison was lining up a hat trick our Freddie must have wished he was completing his Test career with the same handle on glory.

Victory there might have been but England still need to solve batting problems at opener and No.3 although the improved form of Prior seems to have cured the worries surrounding the wicket-keeping. As for the bowling, wait until we meet in the cafe tomorrow.

Greg here:

Mate, at least you won. Think of our mess. We picked the wrong squad, without a third opening bat. We picked the wrong team for this match without a spinner. Our skipper is only the second Australian captain to lose the Ashes here twice. These little matters will not be quickly forgotten back home, I can tell you.

See you back Down Under for another whitewash!

He does not change does he. Well, that's Australian, I guess.

Oh, did I mention - it's 2-1, you Aussie mates.

Too many, surely

The Oval Fifth Ashes Test - day three.

Preview

What a lovely, shining morning. Just the day, as Ken Dodd might say, for kicking off your shin pads, high-stepping out to the wicket and saying to the nearest Australian: "Have a good trip home, mate; and don't forget to leave the Ashes in the museum."

Yes, today could be the day although before you start counting the chucks - that is Oz-talk for chickens - remember that England still have to remove Ricky Ponting, one of the greatest batsmen of all time, and Michael Clarke, the leading run-scorer in this series. They may put up a stiffer fight than when they fell to the youthful, but duly modest, Stuart Broad.

(I may run myself out if he doesn't stop this pretence that he was somehow acting at the team's behest when he takes out the Australian top order in the blink of an eye.)

So fingers crossed and here we go . . .

To lunch

No question about it - Andrew Strauss's morning even though he got out carelessly just a couple of minutes before the break.

Not only did he offer no chance, but he showed - and told - Jonathon Trott how he wanted the rest of the innings conducted. He defended solidly for 90 minutes and then began to accelerate. Trott followed suit so that at the interval England were 157-4, 329 ahead, many more than Australia could expect to make, even though the Test is not half way finished.

In many ways it has been Strauss's series. The captaincy inspires his batting, his average is higher since he took charge and we must trust that his tactical nous will improve as he grows into the job.

Trott followed the excellent lead set by Strauss so that as the second session of the day began there was only one result worth a shilling of your money. Perhaps it is a sign of the bad luck that has followed Australia during the series that Ricky Ponting was hit in the mouth, fielding at silly point, off the last ball of the session.

To tea

Ponting led his side out as usual, little the worst for the full-blooded blow in the mouth; meanwhile England batted - sometimes adventurously, often aiming only to extend the match as it passed the half way stage - on and on.

Matt Prior was too adventurous and run out, Andrew Flintoff played a last, dashing Test innings and Stuart Broad hit so convincingly that a friend from county cricket who told me that he must model himself on Richard Hadlee clearly had the right idea.

Trott was close to his debut hundred, slow but sure in the South African way, as England reached 290-7, 462 ahead - despite Marcus North's four wickets - and made us wonder if they knew declaration was an option.

To close

By 6.30 the doubts set in. After all only five batsmen were out today while 395 runs were scored.

Strauss declared after Trott reached his 100 in five hours - although it seemed longer - and Graeme Swann had hit 63 off 55 balls. Trott became the 18th England batsman to make a century on debut and he held the innings together. An aggregate of 160 runs is not a bad first try either.

Was it all too easy to score on this pitch that has been described as a minefield? Could Australia be the first team to score more than 500 to win a Test? Will Ponting and Co. go home heroes with the Ashes in their carry on luggage?

England set them to make 546 in two days and 21 overs and, in some comfort, Simon Katich and Shane Watson put on 80. Yes, they had troubles but as they batted through the temptation to rush to the nearest bookmaker and beg him to let one back Australia was almost an obsession.

It's impossible, isn't it?

Closing in on the Ashes

The Oval. Fifth Ashes Test - day two

Preview

Every other critic seems to have hedged his bets but my feeling is - after a good night's sleep - that England have the upper hand on one of the worst day one pitches I can remember. Surely those dry footprints, that crusty surface and the turn will only get more helpful. It is a result pitch and a great chance for England to win back the Ashes.

I watched the infamous game at Christchurch in 1984 when the pitch was so bad that England were twice bowled out for under 100 and their captain Bob Willis was able to yank a huge piece of turf out of the pitch soon after the match finished. I also saw the game at Edgbaston when Curtly Ambrose's first ball leapt high to the ropes without batsman or keeper laying anything it. Both Tests ended in just over two days.

The worst pitch of all may have been at Old Trafford in 1956. The former Australian leg spinner Bill O'Reilly was still in a rage about it 35 years later. Jim Laker took 19 wickets - several of the England fielders shook his hand as they left the field and he drank a pint in a pub unrecognised that same evening - but the Aussie memory is of a pitch made to suit Laker and Tony Lock.

To lunch

Patience everyone! England add another 25, sketchy, runs to total 332; not enough but plenty if they bowl well.

Their four bowlers put in sterling performances and Simon Katich and Shane Watson, clear they do not need to win this Test to keep the Ashes, trot along at two and a half runs an over until rain stops play four minutes before the interval.

A dull morning - and I say that even though I do not find yesterday's play as meaningless as some know-nothing critics - in which England do not make an inch of progress. Lets hope those back in the pavilion have a bright idea.

Time to give Stuart Broad a bowl, I reckon. He seems to have umpire sympathy with lbw shouts and that could turn their luck.

To tea

Of course, no self-respecting critic says I told you so.

Immediately after a long rain break Broad bowled and in the next two hours, in which he sent down 12 overs, Australia lost eight wickets for 72. Watson was plumb lbw, Ponting played on, Hussey groped for the ball and was lbw, Clarke was caught low on the drive - all off Broad. Four in a row.

He completed his second successive five wicket haul when he bowled Haddin - the best ball of his long spell which was turning into an application for the Andrew Flintoff job, soon to be vacant - and the other three fell to some beautiful off spin from Graeme Swann. North lbw, Katich, still trying his socks off, caught at short leg and Johnson, hitting, caught behind were all victims of a magical box of tricks.

Naturally there were standing ovations for Broad at the end of every over. I did warn you he might be England's hero but he owed nothing to the umpires. It was the best Ashes show by England for four years and surely it must mean victory here and the return of the little urn.

Happily Strauss does not have to decide the follow-on strategy. He leads an England run fest and then . . . but this time I don't need to tell you what will happen. I do reckon you wont need that Sunday ticket though.

To close

When Australia were all out for 160, 172 behind, England dreamed of a long lead by the end of the day. No such luck; but they were still on top, still favourites and we knew they would have to work hard to throw this one away.

Strauss, highly praised for his innovative changes - which I suspect were arranged in the dressing room during the rain break - showed his true quality with two hours of high level concentration.

He lost Cook, Bell and Collingwood, all dithering, while he showed a grim face to the world and a big bat to the bowlers. It was his day almost as much as Broad and Swann's; his reward was a lead of 230 with seven wickets to fall and the chance to set the Aussies an unreachable target.

But keep your fingers crossed. It is not all over yet.

Winning score?

The Oval. Fifth Ashes Test - first day

Preview

At least we know the selectors have not had a brainstorm overnight. Flintoff, Swann, Harmison, Broad and Anderson are the bowlers; enough to give Strauss a choice. No Panesar to give Strauss a headache; Trott at No.5. Heaven help his poor delicate debutant soul when he first arrives at the wicket even if there are words around the county circuit which describe him in terms far from complimentary. I feel he is a mistake. Aussies unchanged, without a spinner

England win the toss, given the chance to strangle the life out of Oz and use the wasting pitch at the end. I just wish there was evidence of imagination, daring or anyone who is fully fit and able to turn the match on its head. Rashid must wonder when someone will show faith in him.

To lunch

In the words of the old song: "Who could ask for anything more?"

True, England lost Alastair Cook for ten, but even at that point Andrew Strauss looked as if he had set his mind on a century. Ian Bell was peppered by Mitchell Johnson, looked uncomfortable, but survived without giving a chance. What is a No.3 supposed to do when an opener has gone early? Keep his wicket intact, that's what.

By the interval Strauss has reached fifty and Bell had made 41 off 55 balls. Grumpy voices in the television commentary box could be heard muttering that Bell was far from solid but I liked the score - 108-1 in 27 overs - and the style. As for the Aussies they must have looked at the footmarks on the pitch and wondered if there was some way they could get Nathan Nauritz into play.

A plea for ideas from Harlequins might provide an answer.

To tea

The ball is going through the top, it looks as if the Australians have picked the wrong side and all England have to do is to bat.

So, Strauss is out ten minutes after lunch, Paul Collingwood struggles for 90 minutes before being caught in the gully and, well you know Bell, he does not tear up trees even when he is 150.

He just bats to the interval when England are 170-3 and not as far on top as they would like to be although this Test may be low-scoring. The Aussies bowled two sessions of 27 overs each so that it begins to look like a defensive plan.

Jonathon Trott is not impressive and it takes him 12 balls to get off the mark. Just batting now seems to be the only option.

To close

After half an hour's overtime - 85.3 overs - England were 307-8, their middle order having let them down again and scored just 91 for the lose of five wickets. Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann pushed the score beyond 300 in an eighth wicket stand that mixed common sense and bold strokes. It might even be a winning score.

The pitch deserved the term "sporting" if that means turn, lift, bounce and a broken surface on day one. Australia had no bowlers to exploit this mess and England must be favourites for one of the worst Test pitches in years must wear further.

Trott made 42 of those 91 middle order runs but unless he suffers excessively from nerves his innings did not define a Test star of the future. It may be enough for a famous victory.

The fix

I dare not preview the fifth Test; I have no idea who is going to play. Panesar or Swann or both; Harmison or Onions or both; Lee or Clark or Hauritz?

Don't ask me but if you happen to bump into a bookmaker in a bar - you'll know him straight away, dark glasses, talks out of the side of his mouth, tenners sticking out of his top pocket - you could ask him to drop me a line.

Which brings us to the topic of the moment. Match fixing or, as I have always preferred to call it, player fixing. It is more common, it is easier and the rewards are greater.

Let me tell you about another meeting in a bar. Maybe completely accurate, maybe owes a lot to my imagination.

Nasty Bookmaker to gullible batsman: "So how many will you make tomorrow? Nice pitch, the bowling is almost friendly and you are at the top of your game."

GB: "Oh, 70-plus, hopefully."

NB: "If I slipped these bank notes into your top pocket would you consider making 49?"

GB: "Sure. Why not? Hopefully."

NB: "Thanks, mate, you just made me a fortune."

So the bookmaker offers generous odds on GB making fifty, the punters pile on their cash, GB gets out ahead of that target, the punters are not too miffed and the bookmaker can now send his children to Eton, or buy a new Merc, or pay his girl friend's mortgage.

Everyone is happy. Well, except ICC who have been concerned about new growth player fixing for a while but who, surprisingly, did not monitor the IPL T20 matches. Not in India, home of the first generation Nasty Bookies, or South Africa home of their late companion Hansie Cronje? Why not?

Perhaps the Australian approached in the team hotel bar misread the signs, or was too sensitive to the chance of an approach and that the man was a genuine punter only interested in a bit of inside knowledge for his private betting purposes. Perhaps the player should have forgotten all about the meeting.

But, no. He did the right thing by reporting his suspicions and alerting the ICC sniffer dogs to a new outbreak of rabid twisted betting and setting them up for a look at the IPL, the ICL and all the other new-born, cash-rich T20 leagues.

My guess is that the fix has been in all the time but who knows. The bookies are better at keeping secrets than the Ashes team managements so what chance have we got.

A Pom's prayer

Now is the time to offer votive prayer,
To ask the sporting gods for special signs
Rain when they bat, those lucky Aussies
Sunshine to bathe our glory in

They've had their turn, surely you gods know that
For 20 years - bar 16 happy months - they wore the crown
They led the world in everything (except gentility)
Justice demands we have the Ashes now

Miller's men have done their best
And, yes, I know its feeble
Strauss is flawed, don't you know it
Please give him a hand

Without KP our batsmen need your blessing
Thank Grace for Freddie, an imperfect human
But a cricketer to turn defeat to victory
In a single ball

So, you silent sporting gods, come forth
Show you have a sense of right and wrong
A whisper in an umpire's ear, a misheard call
It's not too much to ask, now is it?

When we see you've smiled on us
You'll hear us mutter semper fidelis
We'll sing Jerusalem long and loud
All we'll add is: 2-1, you Aussie bastards!

A Millers's tale

Of course, David Graveney and Geoff MIller should no more have been chairman of selectors than chosen to star in a Hollywood blockbuster, sing the lead in Madame Butterfly or walk barefoot over the Sahara.

They won't mind me saying they were not among the ten greatest cricketers to play the game in the last 150 years; they know that. Not in the same bracket as Peter May and Ted Dexter, Ray Illingworth or Alec Bedser, their predecessors. They were last pick from any tour party, and yet, to be fair to them, they have done a fairly decent job.

All they have done in truth is to show up the biggest problem in English cricket.

The men who ought to be England coach, or national selector Miller's new title, and chairman of whatever committee runs the Test side are all happily camped nigh above the ground, discussing the mistakes made by the England and Wales Cricket Board, at large and the players and their management in particular.

In other words the former stars now commentating. No wonder they smile all the time.

Think how much more confidence you might have in winning back the Ashes next week-end if Bob Willis, 60 but as sharp-eyed as ever, were chairman of ECB. Or David Gower head of the selection panel. Or Nasser Hussain and Mike Atherton in charge of coaching.

Don't imagine for the length of a Ravi Bopara innings they will send their resignation to Sky and dash to ECB HQ to volunteer for England duty.

They know which side of their bread is covered in Marmite; and who is to blame them for accepting the Rupert Murdoch shilling rather than suffering the pain that goes with being Geoff Miller or Andy Flower.

If England win at the Oval those two jobs will be worth having. If not there will be no use ducking; you will get a heap of sewage on your head long before you shout "garde lou."

It cannot be long before some nasty tabloid - I know, mates, I worked for them - makes Miller and Silly into a defeatist headline and as for Flower, if he is not a dandelon sometime soon I have missed my vocation.

Besides it is a lot easier to sit in a warm commentary box, going "I would never have bowled him at this stage" while earning £100k a year, rather than having to pick a team, try to explain it when things go wrong, receive the cat calls of Joe and Jo Public and try to find somewhere quiet to cry. All for half the Sky rewards.

I know one commentator who would love to be chairman of selectors but a few minutes quiet reflection soon cures him of that idea. He used to ring me and say he could do a better job.

All true but for a moment, you big daft sod, stick with the life you have cut out for yourself. It's safer, more secure and it does not involve being made into a public fool on a regular basis.

British is best

The selectors spent five hours last Friday in picking the squad for the fifth and final Test - that is three players an hour - and when the party was announced this morning I wondered what they found to talk about.

Unless they are less clever than I think, it cannot, for instance, have taken them all that time to be sure they wanted grandchild-of-the-famous-over-the-clock Trott Jonathon to play at the Oval and Ravi Bopara to stay at home. Trott nearly played at Headingley; Bopara averages 15 in four Ashes Tests. What's to argue about?

Well, you can tell me if you wish, that Trott is not head-to-tail British, although he sounds as if Surrey is his natural home rather than Pretoria. I doubt if Geoff Miller and Co. had many concerns about that issue.

I do, actually. I was brought up in a cricket sense in Yorkshire where everyone of the players - with 29 exceptions in a century, most of those arguable - was as Yorkshire as Ilkley Moor and they won for that reason. Today we might call it commonality, then we just noted they all talked - whenever they felt it necessary - like Geoff Boycott, came from the Bradford or Yorkshire Leagues and were probably related in some distant way.

Once when I was 16 I and my feeble off breaks were looked over by a former Yorkshire player at the school nets. Don't even ask why. "Where were you born?" he asked. "Birmingham, sir," I said, knowing this was the wrong answer. "YOU can't play for Yorkshire," he grumbled and then took no notice when I pulled off the most spectacular caught and bowled. "Can't play for Yorkshire," I heard him mutter to the games master.

So, it is not surprising that I am in favour of all England players having a claim by birth or parentage to be British and I still feel as if I had suddenly discovered I must be left-handed every time a Trott or a KP but not an Andrew Strauss emerges.

I just wish the selectors would not go down this route, even though I want England to beat Australia, even though I have loved Robin Smith's square cut, and been friends with any number of Caribbean-born players and had no objection when one was chosen at a time.

When the team is over-populated by men born in Zambia, Australia, the RSA and the West Indies, I wondered if we will ever be at the top of the world rankings.

I also sometimes think that the sporting gods prefer Australia to be the giants of the game rather than us simply because they rarely pick a man who is not a fair dinkum Aussie.

O rare Michael Yardy

FOR A FEW MINUTES at Edgbaston we saw what might have been; a mighty display of hitting from Marcus Trescothick; before Sussex, another set of giants in the modern game, won the T-20 competition. I wondered briefly if Michael Yardy might be a good captain for the England one-day and T-20 teams. He is not a great performer but he is a highly intelligent cricketer and you cannot have enough of those rare creatures.

Tresco is a No.

The England selectors are meeting as I type this post. No doubt they are wondering whether they should pluck Mark Ramprakash from the pension queue, move Jonathon Trott from the bench to the starting line-up or pull Robert Key out of the backwater that is championship cricket and subject him to trial by searchlight in the England team.

They no longer have to consider the problem caused by Marcus Trescothick, the most missed of all those who have fallen since 2005. Trescothick heard he might be wanted, found he was enthused by the idea and then, a couple of days ago, woke up sweating after a nightmare.

In his terrible dream he could not find his England kit while his team mates waited outside. He knew at that moment a return to international cricket was out of the question and announced that his retirement, caused by his mental problems, was still in place. Quite right too.

If you spend a quarter of a century with England as I did you make contact with players in the most unusual ways. He and I used to meet hotel corridors as he played football with his two-year-old girl. We often had the room next to the Trescothick family; something to do with the alphabet although we could never make out quite what.

"Now then, Tresco," I used to giggle, "watch out for those mighty tackles." He used to grin - a slow Somerset grin I always thought - and continue, with a proper dad's concern, to see that this budding female Beckham got the ball at her feet. Nice man, I used to think, to be so caring for his daughter in the middle of a Test.

So when he ran into the wretched issues over the time he spent away from the family I knew just what he was going through. Much as I admired his drives past the bowler, his ability to destroy an attack and those moments when he stood in the slips on the final day at Old Trafford in 2005 and begged the crowd to play their part in the attempt to beat the Aussies I realised he had other priorities.

I wondered briefly this week if a week away from Somerset, possibly with the family, for the final Test might be workable but if a man is having nightmares about his job he is as well to stand back and let other, less sensitive souls, step ahead in the queue.

Sensitive? A 33-year-old professional cricketer? Come on!

Yes. Let me tell you that Trescothick has another nightmare. His best pal died in a road accident when they were 17 and you may see him look upwards at times to dedicate a special innings to that lad.

Yes, Tresco, not for the first time you have made the right decision.

A waitress writes

Kate here,

You'll know me as the waitress from those times when they all meet in the cafe and I serve that daft young cricketer "tea latte" as if such stuff existed and then I have a bit of a fling with Greg and get rather carried away and follow him all the way to Australia.

It is not until I am sitting in Sydney Airport that I think "why am I running after someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me" and get on the next plane home. I have been back to the cafe and my job is still there and I asked Ted if I could write something on his blog and he said: "Sure" which is nice of him.

All I want to say is that although I read all about the changes everyone keeps asking for in the England team - and on this blog - I don't care who plays. I just want England to tan the hides off those smug, double dealing, bloody Australians so that the next time I see Greg - Hell, if they are all like him swearing eternal love and then hiking off back to Oz the moment a girl wants to take him up on the deal - I can say

"STUFF YOU, MATE."

Dream team

Of course, it is dream time but here is a team to win back the Ashes at the Oval next week-end.

1. Andrew Strauss
2. Marcus Trescothick
3. Mark Ramprakash
4. Paul Collingwood
5. Matt Prior
6. Andrew Flintoff
7. Michael Vaughan (capt)
8. Chris Read (wicket-keeper)
9. Ryan Sidebottom
9. Graeme Swann or Stuart Broad
10. Jimmy Anderson
11. Monty Panesar

Coach: Nasser Hussain.
Manager: David GraveneyI

'm not going to debate my own selections; I realise all you are intelligent enough to see where I am coming from.

I want someone - probably Nasser who notoriously wears his heart on both sleeves - to prepare a final speech on these lines.

"Look, lads, this is not a career move; it's a one-off match to give this country back the Ashes. Some of you will never play another cricket match so make the most of this huge opportunity. This Aussies are a moderate side at best; everyone of you can play far better than your opposite number; and as it is a last time on the big stage you can also pull any stunt, trick, ploy or bit of nastiness you like. I'll back you but because this is a unique occasion, because you will not suffer any repercussions this is a match in which you can - as those lads in the next dressing room might say - go for your lives. So good luck - and give 'em hell."

This is not - please understand me - a side our selectors would endorse. They like evolution not revolution and normally I'd have sympathy with that point of view. But we are at such a desperate pitch after the dire result at Headingley that we have to take a few risk, through the rules of thumb out of the window.

If England don't win back the Ashes, they will take heaven alone knows how long to get back close to the top of the world rankings and, worse still, the Aussies will go home convinced they are the jam on the doughnut. In fact, they are not good enough to be top of the tree and they ought to be shown the truth about their status - as a team rebuilding with a bunch of promising players.

If England prove their point they will do themselves and the rest of the cricket world a service. It's a gamble - making so many changes - but surely it has a grain of sense and it is time we tried.

Sport is about dreams and England can prove that point and a few more besides by taking the series 2-1.

No, Ramps

Mark Ramprakash? Come on, yes or no?

The story has been around since the week-end but, frankly, that is all it is. A story. There is not a ice cube in hell's chance of it turning into fact. Or is there?

Ramps is difficult. Temperamental. Erratic. Distracted and distracting. Unless every one of the tales from the Middlesex and Surrey dressing room are fiction he believes the gods are on the other guy's side and that he has had a raw deal from umpires, selectors, county officials, his own captains and his batting partners.

Not a team player. But a nice guy. He once spotted my partner struggling with her 15 kilos of scoring equipment and carried it from the taxi to the hotel for her. You'll think: "So would anybody" but Ramps is the only one who did it as Jo and I toured for 20 years.

Is he a great batsman? Yes. I remember Mike Gatting describing him as "better than I was at the same age" when he won a trophy final for Middlesex at Lord's. In case you are having a giggle - having just seen a picture of overweight Gatt circa 2009 or film of him allowing Shane Warne to bowl him - let me remind you that Gatting was not just a fine middle order batsman, but a terrific captain and a good friend to people like me when we were on tour together.

Ramps stayed with Middlesex for half a career of dispute, poor Test performances mixed with brilliant county runs until he had been dropped once too often. Like Graeme Hick, Chris Lewis, Bruce French, Alan Mullally and a dozen more who played through the losing 1990s, he did not quite make it.

I have wondered since who was at fault. Ramps - yes, probably. But several coaches failed to get him straightened out and so he drifted out of the England side and then from Lord's to the Oval where he has blossomed.

Now he is a hair's breath from 40, with a summer average topping 100, England are in a pickle and yet, no he will not be back in the side.

The Oval is his home pitch, the Australian attack is built for his ultra orthodox compact, even handsome style and he would love to - as he sees it - put the record straight.

On the reverse side, his runs this summer have come in the Second Division, on flat pitches, against third rate bowlers for whom incentive is racing one another to the sandwich tray.

No. It's a romantic, do-you-remember Washbrook and Close and Graveney? those were the days sort of story; but unless the selectors, with their eyes on consistent selection, looking to the future, giving youth its chance, go mad this week-end, I cannot see it happening.

Not that I would stay in my seat with may hands in my pockets if he did emerge from the Oval pavilion gate. I'd be thinking "he carried my missus' bags that time, he deserves another chance" and I might rise to my feet and applaud with a tear in my eye.

But it won't happen so why think about it.

Captaincy roll

The cafe

You can cut lumps off the air of despondency. The waitress is still not back, the young colt is clearly not happy that the waitress he meets last week is absent, the old guy must have lost a tenner and found sixpence and I, well, I'm just thinking about all the stuff I've written which is now so much wasted effort.

"When in doubt, blame the selectors," says the old guy. "Good rule of thumb. They get rid of Kevin Pietersen as captain and put Strauss in his place, they let KP and Freddie go to South Africa and get injured, they persist with Bopara who will be better at flying than he is at batting No.3 and at Headingley they prefer Harmison to Ryan Sidebottom, who must know the pitch better than anyone else. Shall I go on?"

"Who's your captain?" I ask, just to make mischief.

"There isn't one," says TOG.

"Angus Fraser is a good captain at Middlesex," says the young guy. "He says to me 'Well played, young man' when I get that fifty at Lord's. No, tell a lie, it was that fella at Cambridge. Or it might have been the Worcestershire Colts captain. No, 'Well done,' he says and I go on to make 90. Where was that? I'll remember in a minute.!

"So your choice for England captain is either Fraser who is retired, a University captain or a Colts skipper. No wonder we are in a bit of a state," says TOG.

"Well," says the kid, "at least I've come up with a few names. More than you two."

"I just wish Michael Vaughan had kept going," I say. "At least he had a brain and the others would have been pleased to score his runs for him - so long as they were winning."

"They'd have grumbled," says TOG, "no place like a dressing room for grumbling."

He is interrupted by the return of the wandering Aussie. "Greg here," says a familiar voice. "Why can't you guys see that you are beaten by an outstanding Test team, led by the greatest captain of the 20th or 21st centuries, with or without the assistance of Justin Langer."

"That's who it was," says the kid, all excited. "Captain of Somerset, Justin Langer. He says 'Well done, young man' when I get to fifty. There's a name we can debate."

"He's an Aussie, you twit," says Greg. "As well as being at least two centuries old. Don't you know anything about this game?"

"Yes, I do," says the lad. "Where is Strauss born? South Africa. Where is KP born? South Africa. Where is Vaughan born. Eccles in Lancashire. Cricket is international. It doesn' matter any more. No prejudice, no bias, no rules, ok."

"Yes," says Greg, "you mean England should send for the captain of their greatest side, the holder of more trophies than Manchester United and and both media saavy and good looking. Charlotte Edwards! Why didn't we think of that earlier?"

We all go very quiet.

Series level

Headingley. Fourth Ashes Test - third day.

Preview

Yes, third day and the game has no more than a couple of hours to run!

So you don't need to guess what is going to happen; no mystery, no prophesy skills involved.

Lets instead have a look at a remarkable document produced by Justin Langer which tries to fill in the details the Australians may have overlooked in their research into what makes England tick.

OK, so he thinks Ravi Bopara will be upset if he is ignored, James Anderson is easily put off and Matt Prior has issues with his own ego. I just hope our Jason did not have to sit up all night before coming to these devastating conclusions.

What might have been interesting were his conclusions about Kevin Pietersen. Did he forget KP? Not a word about England's greatest batsman. Why? Were his conclusions so robust that the Sunday Telegraph - you can read the detail in their sports section - dare not risk a libel action? Were they so dull that the ST chose to ignore them?

I hope it prompts ECB to action. But, please, not another inquiry, working party or sub-committee. Michael Vaughan's commentary is printed alongside the Langer analysis. Read that first and then ring him up for a further verdict on a subject that needs investigation but not from someone long retired, at arm's length from the county dressing rooms and determined only to produce opinions that will satisfy the conservatives who run the game here.

How about a group of former players: Vaughan, Alec Stewart, Andy Caddick and Mike Atherton, for instance.

It won't happen. Langer says English players like their own comfort zone. They learnt their attitude from men who are now in charge and those gentlemen will not set up an inquiry which means they have to think, or stir themselves to action or - heaven forfend - make changes.

One day soon they may wake to find the game has been stolen from them - but it will be too late for an inquiry then.

To lunch

I am not sure what Langer made of this session, but I could not stop laughing.

James Anderson went third ball of the day and Prior for 22 - both to Ben Hilfenhaus - but afterwards the game was filled with circus acts. Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann hit 49 in three overs, Stuart Clark was smashed for 32 in two overs, two tumbling catches were dropped in the outfield - and went for four - and Broad was not out until he had hit 61 off 48 balls.

Tail-end mayhem, causing the Aussies to huddle in little worried groups.

All in a hopeless cause; at lunch England were 245-8, 98 behind and therefore still needing around 200 to have half a chance of winning. Still two days and two sessions to go when Steve Harmison blocked out the final over and Swann reached his fifty with a six. In two hours 163 runs had been scored; well worth a cheer or two from the full house.

We Englishmen love the Dunkirk story and there is no doubt that this session has lifted the spirits of a badly beaten side. It made the journey to the Oval for the decider so much more within our comfort zone.

If only we had had the Andrew Flintoff spirit to add to the Dunkirk spirit.

To victory

Australia needed only another 23 minutes to win by an innings and 80 runs although they were lucky that umpire Billy Bowden was persuaded that Swann hit the ball to Brad Haddin.

The best technology available - as well as his own disgusted expression - suggested Swann missed the ball. The evidence that Graham Onions was out was convincing; his stumps were awry, the bails on the floor.

Don't blame Bowden, even though he also allowed a five-ball and a seven ball over in the morning. He certainly did not umpire as badly as England batted first time and their middle order performed in both innings.

Calls for the recall of Mark Ramprakash, Robert Key and Geoff Boycott will fall on death ears. The selectors are wedded to the concept of few changes and while it is still possible to win at the Oval and regain the Ashes they will leave the team more or less intact.

The spectators cannot grumble. Those who came yesterday had their moneysworth and those who bought tickets for the fourth day will get a refund.

Neither have the Aussies any reason to complain. Their luck turned and although they bowled poorly today they at least knew where they ought to pitch the ball. In contrast the England attack seemed to think short deliveries were the answer. Even the enw boy Marcus North, find of the series as well as man of the match, knew better.

Yorkshire old-timers Fred Trueman, Richard Hutton, Chris Old, Bill Bowes and the little-remembered Tony Nicholson would have cried to see the England bowling.

If England can take something from this match it must be the signs of panic that gripped Australia on the final morning; but of course they still had two days and two sessions to win the match.

Level at 1-1 they are unlikely to let go easily.

Light years behind

Headingley Fourth Ashes Test - day two

Preview

Sorry to leave you to Greg's outlandish triumphalism at the end of the first day but somewhere in mid-afternoon I remembered that John Arlott refused to describe the cricket on the day England were bowled out for 52 at the Oval in 1948.

It struck me that Andrew Strauss's England had reached a similar low point and that as a form of protest if nothing else I should go into my shell, bunker or slit trench for a while.

All the bad luck - early morning fire alarm, Matt Prior's mishap, Andrew Flintoff being sidelined, winning the toss - turned from Australia to England who have to be thankful the gods were on their right hand for so long.

The good news is that the bravest of the brave can take advantage of 9-1 England. It's as good a way to lose a quid as any I can imagine; who is there in this team to lead a revival now that Freddie is back home?

To lunch

For the second morning in a row England's supporters - reduced to silence for most of the two hours - must have wished that the rebuilding of the ground could include curtains so that they did not have to watch their team played so ineptly.

The attack started by bowling too short on a pitch that rewards those balls of full length so that Michael Clarke, early on, and Marcus North, as his confidence grew, could score at will.

Eventually, 30 minutes before lunch with Australia close to 200 ahead, Andrew Strauss remembered Graham Onions, who trapped Clarke lbw at 93 and Graeme Swann who at least kept control of the run rate.

As for Steve Harmison, Stuart Broad and James Anderson - they probably went to lunch thinking they would prefer a curtain round the ground too.

To tea

North pushed Australia to 445, all out a few minutes into the interval with a lead of 343 and the chance of completing victory in two days. North has been the rock linking the middle and lower orders throughout the series with two hundreds and a 94; innings you might expect from an elite batsman not a stranger.

Broad showed just what he has to offer - a grumpy, grumbling disposition, overlaid with abundant talent; a mix of top class deliveries combined with a scattergun approach. He finished off the innings to take 6-91. He was not the best of the England attack but there is no doubting his quality when everything goes right.

In what you might call the old days Broad would have gone back to his county and mopped up dozens of lesser victims and some old pro wisdom. In this era he has to learn his trade at the top. It may be a problem.

To close

England almost went down to defeat in two days after 35 minutes that left them without a prayer.

Strauss and Alastair Cook put on 58 before Strauss and Ravi Bopara were both lbw to Ben Hilfenhaus in successive ball. Hilfenhaus would have had a hat trick if Ian Bell had been good enough to touch the next ball.

Bell was out at 67, caught at slip off Mitchell Johnson, who had Paul Collingwood lbw to his inswinger and Cook caught behind at 78. If North had clung on to a chance from Matt Prior off the last ball Ricky Ponting would have claimed the extra half hour.

England, 82-5 light years behind the Aussie aggregate, are a beaten side, with their grip on the Ashes getting looser every over.

Disadvantage England

Headingley. Fourth Ashes Test - day one.

Preview

Every so often there is a day in your life when you have to earn your money - and that was true for everyone in the England management team this morning.

They had a tricky decision when they knew Andrew Flintoff was out but just as they were pencilling in Steve Harmison's name they looked up and saw Matt Prior down in a heap with a back spasm.

Half an hour later they had patched up Prior so that on the surface the only change was Harmison for Flintoff. Our selectors like unchanged teams because it worked so well in and around 2005 and if you have no changes as a policy life becomes a lot simpler.

The Aussies chose Stuart Clarke for Nathan Hauritz - a more debatable change because sometimes you need a spinner at Leeds - and when Strauss won the toss it looked as if it was advantage England before a ball had been bowled.

To lunch

Quickly followed by disadvantage England. I reckon it was all down to Strauss, although he was hardly to blame.

Even when he was winning the toss he looked distracted - by injuries, team changes, interviews - which all tested his ability to deal with the extra load that goes with captaincy. Had he the spare capacity? It looks as if the answer was no. Someone should have taken more of the load. But who? Young Alistair Cook? He's not ready for such responsibility - yet.

Strauss should have been lbw first ball and was out - still looking distracted - to at 11. Ravi Bopara fell at 15, Ian Bell at 39, Paul Collingwood for nought, Cook, who had survived neatly to that point, at 63 and Stuart Broad, last ball before lunch at 72-6.

The ball moved every which way and Clark took the last three wickets with Yorkshire-tight intelligent medium pace.

It was Ashes-winning cricket, taut, expert, planned and well directed and for once the cliche about it being a good toss to lose was right on target.

To tea
In two thirds of a day England had thrown away all the courage they showed in the last few overs at Cardiff, their victory at Lord's and their enterprise at Edgbaston. The Spirit of Flintoff was conspicuously absent.

The last four wickets added only another ten runs and Jimmy Anderson, going for a single that continued his record of never making a Test duck, strained a thigh muscle and proceeded to bowl wildly. Prior cannot be blamed. What could be do more?

Australia, having bowled England out for 102 in 33,5 overs, then rushed to 69-1 in 15overs; Ricky Ponting, heartily booed all the way to the wicket when Simon Katich fell victim to Steve Harmison, played a festival innings and Shane Watson looked like a cross between Desmond Haynes and Herbert Sutcliffe.

All the lessons of Headingley - don't bowl short, lure the batsmen forward, let the pitch provide the devil - were forgotten. Faces fell, the crowd went quiet, even the Barmy Army could not raise a tune.

Their trumpeter has been "encouraged" not to attend the match as if he might be a 1930s Black Shirt seen heading for the East End. It has been a sad, sad day and I wonder if there is a voice left in the game to bring a revival from an England side that looks defeated already.

To close

Greg here

Ted has thrown the toys out of the pram and gone off to weep into his silk handkerchief just like Poms do when life goes wrong. "You take over and tell how your thieving mates steal this match," he says and promptly turns off his mobile.

Rest of the day is quite simple. Oz reach 196-4, Broad gets two jammy lbws and Onions one that is a bit closer but Michael Clarke and Marcus North bat out time. Clarke is full of runs although Harmison hits him on the helmet and seems to have him caught off his wrist band but 94 ahead at the end of the first day and Aussie are bound to win and keep the Ashes with a draw at the Oval.

Draw at the Oval . . . remind you of four years ago? I'll laugh so much I'll buy my own ale if that happens. I'm thinking of making a return trip so you'll all be able to buy me a beer on the last day. I'll be wearing an Aussie flag - just so you don't go getting in rounds for the wrong guys. In the meantime I will accept warm notes of congratulation by email so get typing, you miserable Poms.

Carry on shouting

Greg here

What the hell are the head men at Headingley thinking about? Going shush to the Barmy Army! Telling the Western Terrace, behave or else. Hell, let 'em sing, let 'em chant, let 'em shout 'til their heads fall off; it will make for a better contest.

Mates and English pals, I worry about the future of the game.

Worst of all, it's my lot that start it. They send Andrew Symonds back to the jungles of Queensland because he has a beer. All right I know he promised to stay clean, but he's a red-blooded man and those of us who relish sport like a cold one when we watch Rugby.

Then, may I be forgiven for typing this sentence, they tell Ponting's little angels they must not sledge. What is the point of playing cricket if you cannot say to an incoming batsmen: "Hello, you look smart. Did your mum dress you?" And a lot worse.

So quiet on the field, silence on the terraces -I guess the next thing will be two vicars as umpires, or two policeman, or a posse of security guys waiting for one of the fielders to swear.

Back in the 19th century manliness was decided by whether you wanted to wear gloves against Spofforth on pitches like country paths. Then there was all the fuss about helmets 100 years later; how many lives have they saved?

Sticks and stones may break your bones but a few references to your mum and dad - Tasmanian cousins - not being formally introduced and your ancestors filling the convict ships to Oz are not going to kill anyone.

'Elf and Safety, political correctness; take it all away. It has no place in sport, well, not for Aussies anyway. Fair cheating all round, a couple of derogatory remarks and a few beers to take the heat out of the argument afterwards.

That's cricket - lets get on with it.

Oh, by the way, as you ask, I am fit and healthy and losing my fear that one of these days a lady with bad intentions will catch up with me. So stop worrying,

Greg Orry is fine, thanks

Eve of Headingley 2009

Now is the time for the best of your zest
Please, not an over for rest
Think the spirit of Freddie
Every man jack of you ready

Remember Honfleur, think of Dunkirk
You have the talent, work before shirk
You're the better team
Just unpick their seam

Lets go to the Oval as winners
Be it as saints or sinners
A final push will make them collapse
And set up 3-0 perhaps

Downing Street, Buck House, all that stuff
(But forget Gordon's garden; once was enough)
Come on, gentlemen, Fred's end is near
Try discretion, and just one beer

Send for Harmy

The cafe. Just me and the old guy, being wise, the way the old 'uns do.

I say: "Their luck's changed. They will be dangerous now. We've got no Freddie - almost sure, no KP, they are determined to keep on with young Broad rather than sending for Harmy who has blisters all over his feet, probably from the bile that comes when you are kept waiting around. Bloody selectors!"

TOG: "Yes, and we have a poor captain. Always 20 minutes behind play, short of ideas, not inspiring, sets bad fields. It will catch up with England, especially if he fails to make his share of runs. Funny, you know, when I lived in the north I used to think all the talk about southern players hating Headingley and never giving their best there, was just northern bias. But I moved south and now, listening to my neighbours, I'm not sure.

I go: "The Aussies are not as good a side as England, and Strauss is right about not having an aura, but England are still apprehensive. They would destroy an Indian or a Pakistan side of the same strength, particularly playing at home, but the Aussies create fear. I am not happy about the rest of the series. If we lost at Headingley, look out."

"I know," TOG says. "We have lived on the energy which came from drawing by the skin of our teeth in Cardiff. Now we may pay the price. It is no use keeping the same side just because we are not losing. England have to move forward. In other words we need Harmison instead of Broad, even though he is the most promising kid in years."

"Nice lad, too," says a voice from behind us. It's the young lad, full of vim and vigour, without a brain in his head, but he does keep us up to date with the gossip.

"Broady says to me at Trent Bridge 'well played, young 'un' and I say ' show a bit of respect, I'm only 18 months younger than you' and he says 'no, you're 30 years younger than me, I've got all me dad's wisdom behind me.' He then makes me laugh. He goes: 'Good lad, me dad. Takes after me in many ways.'"

"Old northern saying," says the veteran.

"I know," I say. "School captain says that to me all those years ago."

"Who's for the tea latte?" says another voice. It's a young girl, a stand-in for our waitress, last seen at Heathrow looking determined.

"Hello," says the youngster. "That's me. And what is your name, my pretty maid."

I think we all know what happens next in this social setting, never mind the results of the next two Tests.

The old guy gave me a lift home and its radio said England had drafted Ryan Sidebottom to bowl on his home pitch, offer variety and fitness and just a touch of batting and fielding. "Proper cricketer," said TOG, "but who will they leave out. Onions? It's a worry because these guys know nothing about cricket."

Greg manages a draw

Edgbaston. Third Ashes Test - day five

Preview

Andrew Flintoff, who has already proved himself to be the man of the series twice over, says England can win and, as I have often thought before, Freddie is far to big to argue against.

The tide has flowed their way - while attempting to drown Australia with injuries to Brett Lee and Brad Haddin, bad umpiring decisions, bad luck with the toss, two Tests when they must have thought Mitchell Johnson had a serious personal problem, the sending home of Andrew Symonds and all those retirements.

For all that there is a way for Australia to win. If they can set England a small total we may see the 1981 Tests at Headingley and Edgbaston and several at the Oval in recent years, in reverse. But if Freddie gets going England will lead the series 2-0 with two to play early this afternoon.

To lunch

No false heroics about this session; instead proper tense, edgy. ornery cricket for 29 overs. Australia scored 84 runs, finished on 172-4 - that is a lead of 59 adn the prospect of dramatic batting and bowling in the final couple of hours.

England needed 67 minutes to get the first wicket, Shane Watson caught behind off James Anderson. Twenty minutes before lunch Stuart Broad forced Michael Hussey to give Matt Prior another catch. Who would have that the word "competent" would apply to Prior or that we would be able to praise the selectors for their patience with this increasingly needed all-round wicket-keeper and batsman.

Not a lot of spin nor swing and dogged batting from Australia who must still wonder if they can snatch victory. Wickets have to be earned; what a beautiful cricket Test.

To tea

By the time Michael Clarke and Marcus North had batted all the way through the final session it was clear this match was a draw; the second in favour of Australia even though England lead 1-0. It will be called off by agreement somewhere around five o'clock which is a shame for the spectators who got on line last night and in line this morning to buy the remaining tickets.

The major question arising from this match is how ICC will treat umpire Rudi Koertzen. He makes too many mistakes. Sometimes he appears to get the right decision by accident. I am beginning to think the unthinkable - that if, for instance, Simon Taufel is the best umpire isn't it better to have him rather than a neutral.

No question about Aleem Dar though. He is a calm figure of commonsense; may his stature increase.

To close

North gets out just short of his hundred, Clarke goes on to win the man of the match award, Strauss says hardly a ball swung, Ponting cannot tell us about the Brett Lee return.

Presumably, for reasons of togetherness, team loyalty and a desire not to write out the team sheet again Steve Harmison will only play if Flintoff is unfit or it is decided to hang on to Freddie for the final match at the Oval.

On the whole justice has been done. You cannot take two days out of a Test and expect a result but the sight of Australian batsmen defending for the whole of the last day must mean that England have the initiative and that there would be no justice if England lost the series.

My forecast of 3-1 to England is now impossible; I admit to a fundamental error. I believed the weathermen who said "barbeque summer." OK, it is a serious mistake but I have learnt my lesson and next time around I will be a mermaid, a mahout or a Martian. It might be easier.

Greg here:

As you know I have been on the run - well, I'm an Aussie. Saw bits on TV. Not impressed. I thought Andrew Strauss should be M-o-M for his sportsmanship over Brad Haddin. As for the rest, very lukewarm.

If anyone sees a tough lady with an apron and an oversized pitchfork held aloft, I'd appreciate a call. She is threatening me with a HOE - Hell On Earth. I might just turn up at the Oval but don't tell the L-o-M. If she can almost arrest me in Wagga Wagga she can sure as hell find me in south London.

Spirit of Flintoff

Edgbaston. Third Ashes Test - day four

Preview

England will hope for fine weather so that they can have a large first innings lead and then bowl Australia out for an innings win. Andy Flower promised that was possible when rain brought any prospect of play to an end yesterday afternoon but he and the selectors have longer term problems to talk through soon.

It looks as if it is time Stuart Broad was sent back to Nottinghsmshire for a long spell so that he can develop into a high class bowler, learn restraint and decide whether he is going to be a blast-'em-out quick or a line-and length man, and to develop his batting.

There is vast potential but England may have to be patient and to remember what sort of man his father was. There is still time; they should use it.

To lunch.

An hour in which two more England wickets fell to soppy shots. Andrew Strauss tried to cut a ball that lifted and Paul Collingwood spent half an hour making 13 and then edged a ball to Ponting.

Both to Ben Hilfenhaus,the best Aussie bowler which does not say a lot for the rest. That is three in a row, 12 in the series; just think what a force he might have been if only Mitchell Johnson had bowled in the first two Tests as he bowled this morning.

England will be tested now, 104 behind with four wickets gone, and still facing a deficit on first innings. This Test is far from finished.

Loud voices could be heard complaining that the game did not start until noon yet the ground staff here have worked as hard as anyone could expect to get this match underway. England fans may be glad of the lost time by tomorrow evening.

To tea

The spirit of Andrew Flintoff carried the game away from Australia to such an extent that England led by 53 after scoring 157 in the two and a half hour session.

Ten great overs on the final morning at Lord's and now, on his favourite ground, Flintoff showed what England are losing when he retires after the fifth Test. He made top score of 74 off 79 balls, hit a six to level the scores and a four in the same over to bring up his fifty.

Even his dismissal was an inspiration for a ball from Nathan Hauritz leapt from a pothole by way of his glove to slip. Matt Prior and Broad, batting to save his place, offered sensible back-up but make no mistake about the importance of this innings at almost a run a ball.

It puts England in the driving seat, with their whip poised and with every chance of winning the match and - but for a fluke - the series tomorrow.

To close

Broad, who began the day under a cloud, had the sunniest smile as England built a lead of 113 and then, glory be, Graham Onions had Simon Katich caught behind and Graeme Swann bowled the ball of the series. It drew Ricky Ponting forward, turned sharply and bowled him through the gate.

Ponting had to drag himself away. I think he has been aware for a while that Australia cannot compete with this England.

They finished on 88-2, still 25 adrift, and the general assumption was that, with a fine weather forecast the result looks settled If Australia survive, you certainly will not forget their struggle in a hurry.

Wet

Edgbaston. Third Test - day three

Preview

Is there time left for this match to be finished? Will the weather interfere today as forecast? It began raining at about 8am. And. especially if you are England, will Andrew Strauss and Ian Bell, get off to a solid start, or lose their wickets immediately?

Strauss went first thing on the second day at Lord's, Bell is weak in converting good starts into big hundreds and just look what Graham Onions did with the first two balls on day two. Still England are in a powerful position.

Geoff Boycott remains top of the pundit stakes with the remark that "there is not much to choose between these two teams". Australia are finding the going tough without their old stars - now sitting in various commentary boxes - while England have not yet made the transition from "improving" to "capable to heading to the top of the table."

I differ from Boycott because I think England will grow stronger and that even the end of Andrew Flintoff's career will not leave them weaker now that James Anderson has grown into such a potent force.

To lunch

Wet, wet, wet. The only amusement came from Sir Ian Botham driving a super soper; good job he has steady work on the media side of the fence. The rest of the day may go missing in the face of horizon to horizon cloud, gloom and under-the-surface water every ready to rise to grass level.

To tea

Called off at 2.30 and soon afterwards there are pools on the ground the size that will make an Olympic swimmer feel at home. I settle down to watch a replay of the 2005 Test at Old Trafford. Funny, isn't it, I can still feel the emotion of those days. That really was a series and a half.

To close

Forecast for day four is no better. The barbeque summer has been abandoned.