Captaincy roll

The cafe

You can cut lumps off the air of despondency. The waitress is still not back, the young colt is clearly not happy that the waitress he meets last week is absent, the old guy must have lost a tenner and found sixpence and I, well, I'm just thinking about all the stuff I've written which is now so much wasted effort.

"When in doubt, blame the selectors," says the old guy. "Good rule of thumb. They get rid of Kevin Pietersen as captain and put Strauss in his place, they let KP and Freddie go to South Africa and get injured, they persist with Bopara who will be better at flying than he is at batting No.3 and at Headingley they prefer Harmison to Ryan Sidebottom, who must know the pitch better than anyone else. Shall I go on?"

"Who's your captain?" I ask, just to make mischief.

"There isn't one," says TOG.

"Angus Fraser is a good captain at Middlesex," says the young guy. "He says to me 'Well played, young man' when I get that fifty at Lord's. No, tell a lie, it was that fella at Cambridge. Or it might have been the Worcestershire Colts captain. No, 'Well done,' he says and I go on to make 90. Where was that? I'll remember in a minute.!

"So your choice for England captain is either Fraser who is retired, a University captain or a Colts skipper. No wonder we are in a bit of a state," says TOG.

"Well," says the kid, "at least I've come up with a few names. More than you two."

"I just wish Michael Vaughan had kept going," I say. "At least he had a brain and the others would have been pleased to score his runs for him - so long as they were winning."

"They'd have grumbled," says TOG, "no place like a dressing room for grumbling."

He is interrupted by the return of the wandering Aussie. "Greg here," says a familiar voice. "Why can't you guys see that you are beaten by an outstanding Test team, led by the greatest captain of the 20th or 21st centuries, with or without the assistance of Justin Langer."

"That's who it was," says the kid, all excited. "Captain of Somerset, Justin Langer. He says 'Well done, young man' when I get to fifty. There's a name we can debate."

"He's an Aussie, you twit," says Greg. "As well as being at least two centuries old. Don't you know anything about this game?"

"Yes, I do," says the lad. "Where is Strauss born? South Africa. Where is KP born? South Africa. Where is Vaughan born. Eccles in Lancashire. Cricket is international. It doesn' matter any more. No prejudice, no bias, no rules, ok."

"Yes," says Greg, "you mean England should send for the captain of their greatest side, the holder of more trophies than Manchester United and and both media saavy and good looking. Charlotte Edwards! Why didn't we think of that earlier?"

We all go very quiet.