No, Ramps

Mark Ramprakash? Come on, yes or no?

The story has been around since the week-end but, frankly, that is all it is. A story. There is not a ice cube in hell's chance of it turning into fact. Or is there?

Ramps is difficult. Temperamental. Erratic. Distracted and distracting. Unless every one of the tales from the Middlesex and Surrey dressing room are fiction he believes the gods are on the other guy's side and that he has had a raw deal from umpires, selectors, county officials, his own captains and his batting partners.

Not a team player. But a nice guy. He once spotted my partner struggling with her 15 kilos of scoring equipment and carried it from the taxi to the hotel for her. You'll think: "So would anybody" but Ramps is the only one who did it as Jo and I toured for 20 years.

Is he a great batsman? Yes. I remember Mike Gatting describing him as "better than I was at the same age" when he won a trophy final for Middlesex at Lord's. In case you are having a giggle - having just seen a picture of overweight Gatt circa 2009 or film of him allowing Shane Warne to bowl him - let me remind you that Gatting was not just a fine middle order batsman, but a terrific captain and a good friend to people like me when we were on tour together.

Ramps stayed with Middlesex for half a career of dispute, poor Test performances mixed with brilliant county runs until he had been dropped once too often. Like Graeme Hick, Chris Lewis, Bruce French, Alan Mullally and a dozen more who played through the losing 1990s, he did not quite make it.

I have wondered since who was at fault. Ramps - yes, probably. But several coaches failed to get him straightened out and so he drifted out of the England side and then from Lord's to the Oval where he has blossomed.

Now he is a hair's breath from 40, with a summer average topping 100, England are in a pickle and yet, no he will not be back in the side.

The Oval is his home pitch, the Australian attack is built for his ultra orthodox compact, even handsome style and he would love to - as he sees it - put the record straight.

On the reverse side, his runs this summer have come in the Second Division, on flat pitches, against third rate bowlers for whom incentive is racing one another to the sandwich tray.

No. It's a romantic, do-you-remember Washbrook and Close and Graveney? those were the days sort of story; but unless the selectors, with their eyes on consistent selection, looking to the future, giving youth its chance, go mad this week-end, I cannot see it happening.

Not that I would stay in my seat with may hands in my pockets if he did emerge from the Oval pavilion gate. I'd be thinking "he carried my missus' bags that time, he deserves another chance" and I might rise to my feet and applaud with a tear in my eye.

But it won't happen so why think about it.