Farewell

Time to say good-bye, I'm afraid.

The Big Ashes are finished, won by England as we thought they might be, even though the margin was not the 3-1 I too optimistically forecast.

The Baby Ashes are over too, won by Australia with extraordinary elan considering that they had just been knocked off their perch at the top of the world rankings as well as losing the Ashes.

Those Aussies have no worries, as I am sure they have said to themselves. Any side that can rise from defeat with a smile and a straight bat, forgetting their captain for the first four matches while he was back home to win as convincingly as they did in the one-day series can do anything.

Did you hear any complaints about tiredness? Did they, by word or deed, suggest that a seven-match one-day tournament just before the Champions Trophy was a step too far? Did they ever complain about anything?

I bet they did but it was always in the privacy of their own team room. By the end I was a convert.

Now it is England who have to put things right. I suspect they need a new coach, a new captain; a cure for Kevin Pietersen's knee and support for his spectacular batting from someone like Jonathon Trott; a new wicket-keeper, although I admire the work Matthew Prior has done to improve his glove work; another spinner to help Graeme Swann; a new Andrew Flintoff.

Freddie is still not properly appreciated. Two writers in particular are vying to do him down, to imply motives he never had, to suggest money is his only motive. And what if it is?

He has stretched body and soul to breaking point for England and decided that now it is time for a little me time. Why not?

I suspect there is an element of snobbishness in this damnation of Freddie from men whose only danger is choking on their silver birth spoon. I know who I would rather have in my team; the man with the courage to buck the conservative trend.

Good luck, Freddie, for you have chosen a difficult and dangerous path. I hope it is a success for you and for those many who will follow.

A win with spin

Chester-le-Street. Seventh one-day international

Preview

So it has come to this: in the north of Durham an England side takes on the Aussies with the determination "we must not allow the scoreline to read 7-0" in front of a few thousand spectators while 15,000 runners compete, just a few miles away, in the Great North Run.

Someone should hang their heads in shame; the Ashes winners are a better side than this. But, the declaration by the selectors that they will only change the squad within certain norrow limits, the tiredness of the players, the thought of the ICC tournament in South Africa lookng next week and the effort required to win the Ashes have all taken their toll.

You might ask why the Aussies are not in the same state at the end of a long tour which began with the T20 four months ago. If we knew the answer to that question we would know how to put right the wrongs that afflict the whole of English cricket.

Australian innings

When Graeme Swann found a place in the England side a man who has watched him develop told me that "he is now the complete bowler, sure of himself and able to vary his method according to the conditions.

Swann proved all those words of praise at the Riverside by collecting five wickets for his best one-day figures and being mainly instrumental in their failure to complete their 50 overs.

This extrovert off-spinner even contrived to celebrate Brett Lee's wicket with a couple of heel clicks in the Lee manner.

I suspect that Ricky Ponting saw what was coming and he was Swann's outstanding victim for yet another one-day fifty. Ponting, Michael Clarke and Michael Hussey were the only batsmen to make worthwhile contributions to the 176.

When England bat we will see if Australia's bowlers can reproduce the movement off the pitch in cool north Durham that brought about England's chance to achieve the glory that goes with a 6-1 defeat.

England innings

Well, they achieved their victory but only after they had stumbled, stuttered, limped and hobbled through ten overs as they lost six wickets after Andrew Strauss and Joe Denly's century stand.

The outcome was victory by four wickets with ten overs to spare but it was a success which mocked the claim by the great Tiger Wood that "a win is a win." This win was a credit only to Swann but he needs a captain with more imagination and a greater conviction that spin can bring results.

Frankly, it would have been better if they had lost. Now there will always be a suspicion that Australia took their foot off the gas.

Waiting game

The cafe: this morning. Me and the old timer.

"I went tha knows," he said. His accent gets stronger when he's annoyed.

"Went where?"

"Trent Bridge. My lad posted me his ticket. He's got mumps or gout or measles or sommat. 50 quid. Well, it was nice of him. I got the train, bought a pint when I got there, had a couple of sandwiches in the supper break when I - daft of course but I am getting on a bit - thought we'd win. That's another £27 to get there and eat and drink. Still, I thought I've got this free ticket and it were nice of our kid to send it through. I felt guilty tha knows. Thought I ought to send him t'cost of t'postage or somethin'."

"And you enjoyed the match?"

"I kept lookin' round for someone to say something to. Like why is Straussy? but he sets too many questions that lad. In the end you have to say he doesn't understand the game and how it can be played. Like we played it 40 years ago. I know I were not much cop when you compare me with the likes of May and Cowdrey and Dexter and Mike Smith but we knew what was going on. If the ball was up in the air there was no need to shout 'Catch it!' What the bloody hell else were you going to do? Kick it into touch?"

"You didn't enjoy the match then?"

"Liked the Aussies. Nice straight bats. One sweep in 50 overs. Never were a business stroke. 'Look at me' sort of a shot. Particularly reverse sweep. Festival stuff. England played dozens. Oh, and Sven Goran Eriksson was there. Tiny, neat, dapper, bit of a baby face. Perhaps he'd have sorted them."

"Like he sorted those ladies?" I giggled. "But what are you saying. Aussies the better side and lost the Ashes?" I wanted to get a reaction.

"I know what you're thinking. No, never. Doesn't make sense. Toss away a winning bonus? There's no sense in that. But cricket knowledge, understanding of the game and tactics; only one side on the field."

"What's the answer then?"

"Too many 'lets wait' merchants in charge. Nobody takin' an initiative. 'We'll have a committee meeting and then decide. Oh, next over then? No the over after that. Things might get better.' You can wait too long. But you know that."

"After watching the last two matches I'm not sure I know anything," I said. "Two coffees, please," I said, "and give this gentleman a strong one. He's just praised the Aussies. I think he can't be feeling well."

Oh, the Paine

Trent Bridge. Sixth one-day international

Preview

Three hours before the start of this match, under heavy cloud that will never produce rain, it is difficult to see what England can gain. They are 5-0 down, Luke Wright who could use international appearances to boost his street cred, is out of the series, and the spirit of the whole side is clear down rather than up.

In the short term they will be lucky to qualify for the second stage of the Champions Trophy, in the medium term they lack Kevin Pietersen and in the long term it is unlikely that Andrew Flintoff, rapidly becoming a remote figure because he wants to freelance, will ever play for England again.

It is a lonely life being a freelance Freddie. Believe me, I know.

Australian innings

After winning the toss for the first time in the series, Australia celebrated by reminding us that when they return in four years some of their young players will be stars. Tim Paine, stand-in wicket-keeper and opening batsman, hit 111 off 148 balls - with a quiet time in the 90s - his first one-day hundred full of attractive shots through the offside and the basis for the score of 296-8. Michael Hussey added 65 just in case we had written him off after a moderate tour but he will be 38 by the time the Aussies are here again.

England innings

From the moment Andrew Strauss was given out caught behind off the second ball - wrongly - his batsmen sought out new ways to be pathetic. Five passed 20 yet only Tim Bresnan reached 30 as they were all out 185 to lose by their nightmare number 111 and fail to bat out their overs. Ricky Ponting, a batting flop for the first time since his mini holiday, produced two dead-eye strikes to run out Matt Prior and Ravi Bopara which settles his future. With that sort of hand-eye co-ordination he could be a top class professional darts player when his cricket days come to an end. Meanwhile he will want to make the series score 7-0 at Chester-le-Street on Sunday; no world side has ever lost 7-0 and England deserve to be the first.

ITYS

We are seeing the biggest revolution. No, not since Packer, not since Bodyline, not since the lawn mower meant pitches fit to bat on. The biggest revolution in the game's history.

Since I suggested that Andrew Flintoff was ready to go freelance - my own status for the last 20 years so I sympathise and understand - he has confirmed that he has turned down the ECB contract and will choose his own paymasters in future.

Today the Professional Cricketers Association have said Freddie will just be one of many. The pace quickens, a new world awaits the bold players willing to tread the same path as Freddie with Kevin Pietersen the most likely to follow in his footsteps.

I know KP has said he wants to continue to play in Tests. If I were his manager I would hope to negotiate with the ECB to make that possible.

In the meantime I am busy leaning out of the window and shouting "I Told You So." If you doubt my word read Monday's blog.

Read my Tuesday blog if you want to find the reason. Cricket in England is in a state of confusion on the field and in the boardroom.

The wrong players are being chosen, based on Buggins Turn rather than need and merit.

England will continue to play 50-50 cricket at international level but we no longer have a domestic tournament to use as a training ground.

One captain resigns in frustration; a second is sacked for suggesting that the players don't like the coach; the third is what you might expect of a third choice leader.

Is it too much to expect action from ECB? That will come all right. Any day now they will set up a working party, a sub committee, an inquiry. ECB have done it before and just look where we are right now.

Perfect Ponting

Trent Bridge Fifth one-day international

Preview

After the Lord Mayor's Show, there is at least a chance of a whitewash. Australia, who won the first three games entirely on the back of England's inadequate performances, have strengthened the side by the inclusion of Ricky Ponting; England have made no attempt to bolster their wretched batting by, for instance, calling up Jonathon Trott.

An injury to Luke Wright has forced the selectors to add Demitri Mascharanas but their determination to work strictly on the basis of who is next in line - as if they were setting tables for a dinner involving the Royals - means there is no room for Trott

There is no place for lateral thinking in a panel consisting of Geoff Miller, Ashley Giles and James Whittaker.Nice guys all but what would we give for the brain power of one of the Sky commentary team. I hear they are consulted from time to time but their words fall on deaf ears.

England innings

Only a cruel critic could find fault with the England 299, put together in a way which suited those who believe cricket is a team game. Eoin Morgan was the only batsman to pass fifty yet only the two tailenders Tim Bresnan and Ryan Sidebottom had enough time to make double figures. For once Andrew Strauss, who won the toss for the fifth match in a row, was not top scorer. Morgan produced a couple of his magic shots and we heard a very strange sound. The England support cheering. It has been a while since that happened.

Australian innings

I can only assume that when Ponting went home for a week he told the team: "Let me go to see the family and I promise you won't have to worry about batting when I return."! Tonight he made 126, hit two of the biggest sixes Trent Bridge has ever seen and ensured Australia won by four wickets with 11 balls left. It was one of his finest innings - among 27 one-day international hundreds - and it must have laid the ghost of that Gary Pratt run-out in the Test defeat in 2005. Four years on England's fielding was wretched and my guess is that when Strauss returned to the dressing room the fury in his face translated to strong language.

Tomorrow's world

Chubby Chandler, Andrew Flintoff's manager, says Freddie is considering whether to accept the offer of an ECB one-day contract or go freelance. First he needs to see how his limbs shape up after his most recent operation.

I will add two points to what Mr. Chandler says. I doubt if Freddie will play for England again and if he does turn into a gun-for-hire professional there will be any number of guys ready to join him.

I have thought for a couple of years - since IPL and the other T20 leagues hit the headlines - that this is the way forward for a talented professional cricketer.

The new career structure reads something like this: join a county, state or province in the your teens, progress to your Test side, play for a few years at international level and then, probably in your mid-20s, offer your services to the highest bidder.

Stuart Broad is an obvious candidate for such a path but before long AB De Villiers, almost every young New Zealand and Zimbabwean cricketer, Adil Rashid, and most of the players in the Indian sub-continent, will want to try their luck in the new bish-bash.

Good luck to them. It is no use crying over spilt Ashes; five days devoted to a single match is so very not 21st century.

Lead the way, Freddie and watch ECB and the rest complain about the end of loyalty, the breakdown in traditional values and the end of life as our grandparents used to know it.

It will be yet another case of me saying I Told You So But No-one Listened. So what else is new. T20 played by freelance cricketers in 25 matches a year, funded by happy TV companies and even happier sponsors and watched by millions.

Knock-out Lee

Lord's. Fourth one-day international

Preview

So the team bosses have given Paul Collingwood and James Anderson a couple of days off. Not before time but not for long enough. If the pair had been told to go home until the end of the season, never even think about cricket, it would have been a much bigger, better gesture. Colly once told me off for suggesting rain would cancel a match and give them all a rest. By the haggard look on his face I would not get the same reply today; Anderson looks as if a year in solitary confinement would do him the world of good. They deserve more consideration but then cricketers don't think the way the rest of us do.

By the way, the story on the street is that Kevin Pietersen may not be fit for the tour of South Africa. Such rumours are not always true but it will be serious if he is missing. I just hope the selectors don't send him hoping he will get fit. He is far too valuable for that sort of thinking. (See first paragraph for a clue about selection tactics.)

England innings

Instead of Four Weddings and a Funeral we had Four Yorkers and a Slip Catch - all engineered by Brett Lee at his grinning, heel-clicking, finger-wagging best. He even threw in a wicket-maiden when he began England's descent from 96-1 to 220 all out with 21 balls unused. The slip catch removed Joe Denly but Matt Prior, Luke Wright, Stuart Broad and Adil Rashid all fell to 90-miles-an-hour yorkers after Nathan Hauritz had bowled ten overs for 23 runs. The first blow was struck by the Ricky Ponting who gave Lee the last over with the scruffy ball - 33 overs old - to get rid of Prior. England were, in the main, dreadful again. I almost forgot to mention Andrew Strauss won the toss and made yet another fifty. How long before he needs a bit of time off?

Australian innings

I had hoped that the kindly Australians might be merciful and finish the match in 35 overs or so but they needed almost 44 before Michael Clarke and Callum Ferguson scampered the single that brought victory - and the series, of course - by seven wickets. England never came close to victory, not once. Ponting led the way but to be truthful his side did not need heroics; England's bowling was only a fraction more impressive than their frightened, fearful, feckless batting. They go to the Champions Trophy, four days after this tournament ends in the cool of Durham, without a prayer.

Down time

Imagine how the England cricketers feel this morning. They are the winners of the Ashes, which they have known since childhood was the greatest pinnacle an England cricketer can achieve, gone home told the kids, their mates and, eventually, the missus just what heroes they are.

Four days later they are back on the treadmill - a warm-up one-day match in Ireland, T20 games and then seven one-day matches - and all against Australia who are all a-buzz at the thought of a bit of revenge.

One-day games have never been all that popular with the England professionals; "who remembers the results by the next morning" they used to chant in unison. Now, 40 years on, fewer people care. These odis are either a money spinner or worthless. But the money is useful. Just remember how cross Kerry Packer was when Rod Marsh placed such matches at the bottom of his hit list.

It is not just the seven one-day games by mid-September, from Southampton to Durham. Afterwards there is the Champions Trophy, the tour of South Africa, the lucrative but mind-blowingly tiring T20 stuff (all played in heat touching heights that make Englishmen shiver) and a new level of expectation simply because they are the Ashes holders.

Last time England won back the Ashes in 2005, they celebrated so hard that the good was soon undone. Now all the good is being undermined by hard work.

My bet is that the players feel let down. They wanted to listen to the standing ovations, absorb their hero status slowly.

I bet they resent these seven hellish 50-overs of torture and the idea of putting their bodies, the minds and their spirit on the line four more times is just too difficult to contemplate.

So don't be surprised if the scoreline on SEptember 20 reads Australia 7 England 0 - give or take the odd rain break - or if Ricky Ponting decides that his men are going so well he can take a longer holiday.

Who would blame him? Certainly not the England boys who would love to dangle their own toes in the hotel swimming pool for a day or two.

Weary England

The Rose Bowl. Third one-day international

Preview

Paul Collingwood says he is tired, James Anderson looks worn out and there is a batsman - no names but he gets run out a lot - who is clearly too exhausted to think straight. Freddie has gone to Dubai to recuperate (nice work if you can afford it), KP doesn't know when he will be fit and the selectors are so worried about Adil Rashid's stamina they daren't play him two games in a row. Australia are fit and desperate to avenge the Ashes defeat and full of bull as usual. What's to preview? The Aussies again, of course. 3-0.

England innings

Not just tired but lacking initiative, dynamism and drive, England staggered to 228-9 which might have been 200 but for a display of hard-nosed Yorkshire commonsense by Tim Bresnan and Ryan Sidebottom in the last six overs. Hampshire's money man Ron Brandsgrove said before the match he hoped the pitch had improved. I hear uplifting stories about the man's willingness to part with his cash but he will have to spend more to get batsmen to enjoy this sluggish strip. Andrew Strauss again batted superbly but who was calling the shots, urging more strokes, ordering the power plays? No-one, it seemed.

Australian innings

At about the same time England's footballers were beating Croatia to ensure they went to South Africa for the finals of the World Cup, Strauss's Ashes heroes - yes it is just 16 days ago - were dragging themselves off the field, beaten by six wickets with nine balls remaining. Their star batsmen had performed badly, now their best bowlers were nudged around by an out-of-form Michael Clarke, who still managed 52 and smashed around by an out-of-position Cameron White who hit 105. It gives Australia the chance to complete a whitewash. To see the downbeat expressions on the faces of the England players you would certainly not bet against 7-0.

Heart and soul

A long way from nowhere the Rose Bowl
Trying so hard to find a soul
Bunting and tenting and banners
Cash to spend and generous manners

Give it time and the moment will come
Some brave deeds and a bottle of rum
Hampshire need heroes to fill their new ground
Oh, I wish Greenidge was still around

Soul defines cricket fields,
More than run yields
Elite men too; imagine Bristol without Grace
Or Hammond to set the pace

My own favourite is a shocker
You can say I'm off my rocker
Grace Road on its day
Once Illy taught 'em to play

It's a rough sort of ground
Not lovely but sound
Mundane and routine red brick
Just like Illy, not missing a trick

He assembled a team to suit the place
Hard nuts, bravehearts, never an ace
Scrappers and scrapers, triers galore
You could hear the purists call it "Illy's bore"

His tried and trusted dozen
Soon got buzzin'
Won a title or three
Not artists but busy as a bee

Each time I go, I see those work-d-day pros
Many a thistle, few like a rose
Sweatin' 'n' cussin' and scratchin' their arse
Well, that's how it was; hard cricket no farce

No, you don't need artistry as you win
Lots of skill and a little sin,
By the end of the season, you've carried coal
Won yourself a title and got a soul

Right selection

The cafe. Kate, on her own. Me in a corner reading The Times. The veteran arrives, looking harrassed.

"Get us two nice strong coffees, Kate, please and" (in a whisper) "when the time comes it's his turn to pay. You all right, then, old son?" I say.

He grunts. "England. Bad team selection. Left out young Rashid when it was time to show you knew how well he played. Frightened team, you can see the tension. Tell me, summat. Who won the bloody Ashes, anyway? Us? Them? United States second eleven? Uncle Tom Whatsit and his mob? I thought we did."

"We are a better side than them," I go. "We put 'em in, get most of 'em out for a reasonable score and then bat like frightened rabbits. What's up?"

"I've just seen the telly but every time I get a glimpse of the boss class - Miller, Flower, Gibson, Morgan - they look frit as well. That's why I'm asking. The Aussies throw the Ashes away with bad everything; but it's us as looks underdogs and them that keep grinning. Lee, Clarke the captain, that Mitchell Whatsit; all laughing. He's the worst, that other left-armer. Chatting, laughing, giggling; what have they got to be so happy about. Sight of us batting, I suppose." He's is in a right state, the old lad.

"Is that lad coming?" It's Kate, behind the counter, a cup of his tea latte favourite in hand.

"No," says the old lad. "He won't be here for a while. He was 88 not out and going some when I slipped across the road. Could be his first proper hundred."

"It's my mate," says Kate. "She got a trick or two to sort out young sportsmen. Look at that footballer she went out with; England player now. What's that tennis player called - you know, tall, Irish and pretty eyes. A couple of days with her and he was twice the player."

The door flies open and it's the kid. "Where is she?" he wants to know.

"Doing a shift at the other shop," says Kate, quick, rather too quick. "Why, what's up?"

"She's supposed to be at the ground. I know I'm going to make at least 150 today and I say 'Come and watch' but no sign of her. I'll have to get back," he says, "we've declared. I got 111," he says and rushes out.

"Nice lad," says Kate.

"Where's she then?" I ask.

"Don't know," says Kate, looking sly. "There is a marathon runner around. Another nice lad. She can pick 'em."

"England can't," we say. "They know nothing about the game."

Defeat again

Lord's Second one-day international

Preview

Come on, England. What happened on Friday at the Oval is simply not good enough. The efforts of the tail put the top six to shame. They look so feeble without KP you wonder if they are possibly be a Champions Trophy success. Just tell them that Andrew Strauss; it really is time for the big stick and not even the smell of a carrot It will be most instructive to see how the team get on without Stuart Broad who is injured. He has inherited the Spirit of Flintoff - that is, he is worth more than the sum of his batting, bowling and fielding - and there seems to be no-one else with that life force.

Australia innings

Having put Australia in - as they did at the Oval - it looked for a long time as if England had produced another above par performance - as they did at the Oval. But just as Mitchell Johnson arrived at the crease the stats-happy noted that the average score at Lord's in the last ten odi first innings was 218. Johnson, whose odi average is an incredibly low eight, proceeded to hit 43 off 25 so that Australia finished on 249-8, setting a total that was a couple of inches too far away.

England innings

As England collapsed to lose by 39 runs you might have thought there could not possibly be any more bad news. But right on cue it came. Andrew Flintoff has developed a deep vein thrombosis - with the potential for all sorts of damage - in the leg on which he had his recent operation. Ironicaly, the idea of the op was that he would concentrate on one-day cricket in future. Once again the England top order failed to consolidate a decent start made by Andrew Strauss and Ravi Bopara, once again the middle order looked feeble and I suppose they missed Flintoff. Oh, and just in case you feel that things cannot get any worse, Ricky Ponting will be back for the fourth match in the series on Saturday.

Easy pickings

Don't worry about the poor, defeated Poms. They don't like winning. It is the secret of their failure. Fred Trueman told me that in the middle of a row with Colin Cowdrey in Australia, Cowdrey barked at him: "The trouble with you Yorkshiremen is that you think cricket is about winning. Well, it's not." The trouble with the conversation is that neither understood the other. Last night you could see the old Tyke Ryan Sidebottom and the new Tyke Adil Rashid wanted to win desperately; but I was not sure anyone else did, except maybe for Graeme Swann, a misplaced Yorkshireman if ever I saw one.

I came to the conclusion somewhere in the wee, small hours that Nasser Hussain was right and that this Australian side are ready for the picking. It could still be 6-1 although there is September rain and cold to consider. By the way, if anyone sees Greg tell him his money (£10 at 5-1 England to win) is safe.

Hero Rashid

The Oval. First one-day international

Preview

Nasser Hussain wrote this week that Australia's team may be their worst one-day side of all time. Interesting comment, Nass.

Australian innings

It was, in my memory, one of England's finest performances. Their fielding was slick, starting with Paul Collingwood's snappy throw to get rid of the wicket-keeper-opener Tim Paine, by way of Graeme Swann's quick throw to run out the all-rounder Cameron White and their brisk fielding generally. They kept Australia to 260 on a typical Oval batting pitch, bowled to a plan and backed up their best bowler Adil Rashid who must have won a place on the South African tour with an unbroken, testing spell. You might be right, Nass.

England innings

Rashid also played the hero at the end of the innings but England still lost by four runs. The chase was too difficult when Rashid, Luke Wright and Graeme Swann got to the wicket after indecisive batting from the middle order. Even though it was Mission Impossible by the time the lower middle order got in Michael Clarke, captain for the day, was still behaving like a demented soul as he tried to block off the runs. You may be right, Nass.

Fun time

Two T20 internationals - the People's Games - ruined by rain. Someone is missing the point.

T20 is a piece of nonsense, a bit of fun, three hours of giggle. Bring 20,000 people together, charge them £40 a head, open the bars, maintain family areas and let them all enjoy themselves.

At the same time we don't want star players to be hurt as they might have been if the second game at Old Trafford had been played.

The trouble is that the authorities, the player and the match officials have to take it seriously.

So lets cut out that aspect of the matches. Ask ICC to stop pretending there is a global league table for T20 and have a competitive aspect only when the T20 World Cup is staged.

Encourage the nations to pick teams of promising starlets, guys at the end of their careers, even a few prominent league players and, dare I mention it, a couple of the women Test players.

Tell them they must play unless it is raining balls and stumps. If the quick bowlers cannot find a foothold - bowl a bit slower. Find a side of the pitch they can bowl from. Take the must-win, death or glory, we need to points to get to the top of the world rankings element away.

The kids will love it, the parents will be glad that one day their lad might get a chance to take part in any sort of cricket, and the TV audiences will grow.

For heaven's sake, lets stop being so serious about a bit of a laugh!

Political Greg

Greg here

Yes, i'm still here, courting Kate and thinking it will be nice to see the one-day matches and while I'm here Ted says put something in his blog. I guess he is all written out, poor bugger, what with his missus doing all the work, him having gout and the blog needing to be filled every day.

"Doesn't much matter what the subject is," he says so here goes.

This business - just a rumour, an urban myth and a bit of a conspiracy theory, all right - about the Ashes being rigged so that the crowds for the next series Down Under are big.

Well, first of all I don't see how it is done without some wise guy wanting to spill the beans and earn a heap of money; but secondly, why not?

Cricket is an entertainment; anything to put bums on seats, give the spectators value for money and make them think they will see a good series next time.

Cricket is certainly not a competitive sport; otherwise the English counties will support 50-over cricket instead of plumping for the 40-over version which will dominate next summer and which no-one else plays. They will also - and heaven help me, I am backing Ted once again - stop employing all those Yarpies and give some young British players more of a go.

I say that if the series is rigged - and I still want to know how you get a whole team to lose - good luck to the plotters.

The more I think about it - no my tiny Aussie brain does not hurt - the more I see a similarity with the case of the guy who is supposed to blow up that Pan Am plane and kill all those passengers.

The British, the Scots or the English - you can take your pick - send him home because the poor sod is dying and now they may - or may not depending who you believe - get some of the oil sloshing around Lybia's deserts.

Nice work if you can get it. Well done, Mr.Brown, Mr. Straw and whoever else has a hand in the deal. Tough, Mr. Obama. Pity you didn't have someone to swap for a can or three.

See, what cricket does today, the rest of the world does next week.

Keep smiling,

Greg Orry

Sport imperfect

Two top snooker players have been questioned, but not charged, after one wins a UK title match 9-3 and so many people bet on 9-3 that bookies close the book.

All this week there have been amazing revelations about the extent to which illegal blood injuries exist within Rugby Union. Harlequins' guilt seems to be a matter of how many take part rather than the need to prove the case but now the All Blacks, the Australians, England and other Six Nations sides are also being accused.

I remember what we - ie the Rugby League lads - used to say when professionalism in RU was debated 50 years ago. "There will be deaths if money is brought into their game," we swore. There have been no fatalities - happily - but there is clearly a lot of shady behaviour and in fact I cannot remember being more offended by news of cheating as I have been by what happened in their cup-tie. Some of my horror comes from memories of the way RU officials used to claim the morale high ground because RL players were paid. Even in the 1950s there were stories from RU converts that they had been paid when they were "amateurs".

In football, there are several rows blowing up about players diving, the need for video replays to cut out player mistakes, and the role of the disciplinary bodies. The footballers earn colossal amounts compared with snooker, cricket and Rugby guys and to hear of someone cheating to earn more when they are so rich always sticks in the craw.

Where does cricket come in all this cheating? Who knows, but there is a fantasy that the results of the 2005 and 2009 Ashes series were rigged to ensure spectator interest and big gates in the following Ashes series in Oz.

I also remember one of the inner circle of cricket notables saying: "No, they would not dream of doing such a thing" when he was told of the drug taking among players in the 1980s. Now we know that is all true. That same guy has repeatedly refused to write his inner story of a life in cricket. Why?

We all know that "match-fixing" - or if you accept my definition, "player-fixing" - went on and may be alive and kicking.

I once heard a sporting type describe the comic effects of painting a greyhound and the rain washing away the result. It made for a fine party piece but there must have been a loser too. Stories of naughty doings in horse racing crop up all too often, tennis has had to investigate unususal betting patterns, and athletics is apparently fuelled by drugs to the extent that some will not celebrate the arrival of a great new talent like Usain Bolt in case the cheers turn to tears.

Is it new? No, of course, not. I visited the site of one of the ancient Olympic Games and saw where athletes who cheated were flogged.

Sport is a beautiful, romantic dream life for those who take part and those who watch but never imagine it is clean, or perfect, or true to its proclaimed ideals.

Sadly.

Reasons to be cross

An Australian GP driver,
Says what I feel,
"Our lot" - the Aussie cricketers - "lose
But your team is no good

"We hit more tons, we take more wickets,
We lose but the stats are all wrong
Your side is full of South Africans
Ugh," he says.

A week later it makes me cross too.
Besides, there's never been
So much hype; listen to me
Be prepared for a shock

Just because Andrew Strauss and his lucky men
Win a Test series that's not proof
He's an OK captain
Jardine and Hutton laugh in their graves

So his men like him; it hardly matters
More to the point, can he inspire, mix and match
Take a risk? Learn while he plays.
I don't see the evidence

They call him conservative, defensive, unwilling to
Risk defeat; how else to search out victory
He creates nothing, he cannot set a field,
He has no ideas of his own, he's a sheep not a collie,

But where is his rival? They tried the brightest
And rejected his solution
Now his action is called an attempted coup
Rubbish. You can't try to unearth a king 2,000 miles away

At least KP had daring, ideas and plans
Led the team back to India; but frightened
The bosses who went for the safest pair of hands
Now look where we stand

Even a racing driver can see
That England are a shadow
Ready to return to Oz
And another whitewash

In contrast with England's problems in Belfast, Australia, without their captain Ricky Ponting who is on a brief holiday back home, had no trouble in disposing of Scotland by 189 runs at the Grange in Edinburgh. Brett Lee, who missed all the Ashes games, was grinning as broadly as ever. Perhaps he will tell the England batsmen what the joke is before the two T20 matches and seven one-day games unless he adopts Andy Murray's belief that sport is too important for laughter. "Funny game?" asked Herbert Sutcliffe, the great Yorkshire opening batsman, "It's not meant to be."

Wisden, the most conservative, old-fashioned, unchanging and unchangeable book of sporting record, is to produce an electronic version. Whatever next? Baseball mitts for fielders, night vision goggles for floodlit matches and - Bob Woolmer's dream if you remember - two way radios so that the coach can play a more important part in the tactics. Give it 20 years and we might have all those modern additions to the old game. The whining noise is not from the radios; it is John Wisden spinning in his grave.

B level

Paul - "we must learn to be ruthless" - Collingwood leads the England one-day side to victory against the Irish by TWO runs in the warm-up to the series againt the Aussies. Answer this question, using a black pen and writing on one side of the paper only: Do England need more luck with the weather? Do they need a less ambitious captain? Does our Colly need a new speech writer?

Going up

A lot of foolishness has been talked since Super Sunday and it is time for a word of caution like that delivered by Andy Flower, the England coach. England have now risen to fifth in the world rankings and for a while that may be as far as they get. Anyone who imagines they will shoot further up those rankings by playing against South Africa in the Republic had better think again. Yes, I know the Australians won in South Africa but Graeme Smith's men are now the No.1 side in the world, full of that hey-the-Zulus-are-coming-lets-get-the-wagons-in-a-circle mentality that has saved Tests in the past. If the going gets tough, they simply bat. Runs don't matter; men like Smith, A B de Villiers and Jacques Kallis will hide behind bats and pads until the danger has passed. Last time England won back the Ashes they mistakenly thought they had only to arrive at a Test ground to win: the result was summed up by the 5-0 drubbing from Brisbane to Sydney. It can happen again but if they listen to Flower they might - strengthened by Kevin Pietersen, with the addition of Jonathon Trott and Stuart Broad's rising star - creep a little nearer the top of the tree. But it aint going to be easy.

The People's Player

Andrew Flintoff will play again, once he has gone through the familiar, painful misery called re-hab.

That is the good news immediately after England won the Ashes - and stayed (almost) sober - and he went into hospital to have the operation that may cure his knee troubles.

He could be excused if he adopted a cynical we-have-been-there-before-and-it's-not-worked attitude but as usual this ever-cheerful lad has looked on the bright side and never doubted, so it seems, the words of the experts.

Flintoff could be forgiven too if he were mighty annoyed at the words of a small group who seem determined to prove he is far from a giant, unfit to be mentioned in the same breath as Ian Botham and other great all-rounders and soon to be over-shadowed by the tall figure of Stuart Broad.

This group appears to grow by the day. It centres on Michael Atherton who has looked increasingly sour in the days leading up to the end of the Oval game. He was grinning when he said to Jonathon Trott "You realise that some people played in five Ashes series and never experienced this moment" but his angst was plain.

Atherton has also seemed to find a special pleasure in denigrating Flintoff. I wish he had not. It does him no credit.

There were those too, you will remember, who could not wait to plunge the knife into Diana, Princess of Wales when she died.

They ignored her humanity, her daring in breaking down convention and her refusal to toe the Royal line and accused her instead of being unreliable, neurotic and publicity-seeking.

Flintoff - remember the arm round Brett Lee - had the affection, the love even, of the man, women and particularly kids who has paid at the gate because he gave value for money, always tried hard and was, like them, prone to gaffes he regreted later.

So I will take my line from Tony Blair who called Diana The People's Princess and name Flintoff, the People's Player. He deserves that accolade; his critics never came near to achieving that sort of fame.

Exporting spin

The cafe. Greg and the waitress - she's Kate by the way now that she has been sacked for going on holiday without asking and no longer has to make the young kid's tea latte - arrive together all arms linked and clearly in love again.

The veteran speaks: "Their own fault. Picked the wrong squad, no third opener, lucky Watson made half a job of it, picked the wrong side, with no spinner. Looked a decent bowler to me. We'll have him - my county - if the Aussies don't want him. They are just a rotten side. We won without Kevin Pietersen and with half of Freddie. Or maybe two thirds. Now lets see if they panic."

I say: "They might get rid of Ponting if the selectors won't take the blame. At least the best No.3 in the world; not much of a captain. Last Aussie captain to bring the Ashes here and leave them behind - twice! - plays with no helmet, not gloves, no chest protector and no arm guard. Brave or do I mean stupid. Mind you nobody did in those days."

Kate says (leaning heavily up against Greg and looking into his eyes): "I hope you never play without protection!" Full of double meaning. He looks embarrassed. Now she has got her nails into him he is going to have to learn more British ways of thinking.

She winks at me and says: "So you reckon Ponting will have to go. What will the poor bugger do for the rest of his life?"

The young kid has persuaded someone else to make his tea latte. It looks even more revolting. He says: "He's all right is Ponting. I get about 20 in the warm-up game and he says 'Well done, mate. I don't suppose you're an Aussie who bowls a bit of spin and bats like No.7?' and his voice goes up the funny ways Aussies have."

The veteran goes: "You must be an Aussie. It explains a lot."

The kid says: "My gran spends about six months in Aussie when she gets married to one of them. He shears sheep or something. She gets bored and comes home but it is really useful experience for her. At Christmas when we play games I always get her on my side because she always knows how long is Sydney Bridge or how to spell Wagga Wagga."

I say: "I expect that means you're qualified to play for Oz."

The kid goes on: "I tell him and he gives me his email and tells me to let him know the next time I'm in Sydney. In fact I've got a winter contract with Manley and they say he lives not far away and so I mail him and he says to pop in."

"My God," says the veteran. "I have heard some strange stuff in my life but now we are exporting promising young cricketers to Oz. Just shows the state of the world. Did he ask if you know any bright young fast bowlers?"

"No," says Ponting's new best mate. "I say that Nig-Nog at the county is a good fast bowler and he says he reckons the present bunch will be top of the world in 2011 or the next time they come back and there is no need. I reckon they miss out but I will take my chance Down Under."

Greg and Kate have disappeared. The vet and I pay for all the drinks and get up to go.

The lady behind the counter says: "That lad is seeing my new girl, you know, in place of Kate. He's not going to play for England, is he?"

"No," we say together, "he knows nothing about the game."

Ashes come home

The Oval Fifth Ashes Test- day four

Preview

All the experts say it is impossible for Australia to climb that run mountain, that England must win if they bowl properly and guess that plans will have been formed to deal with all the remaining Australian batsmen.

All the same, why not have a few pennies on the Aussies. It will make you feel a lot better about your cricket judgment and give you automatic bragging rights for the rest of your days.

It might even enable you to buy yourself the sort of watch I have just been offered by some advertising guy who has got hold of my email address.

Meanwhile it is a lovely day at the Oval, sunshine, crowds gathering full of pretty girls, bright summer colours and men with heavy sun tans; and the bars are open.

Enjoy!

To lunch

Plenty to enjoy for all the 20,000 or so souls in the ground. The trumpeter was back. He was "encouraged" not to attend at Headingley, you may remember and he is clearly, by ground authority definiton, a subversive influence, playing the National Anthem and other such revolutionary tunes. I just found him relaxing and the Barmy Army clearly love him.

The openers both went lbw in successive overs; Simon Katich foolishly without playing a shot and Shane Watson, foolishly thinking he was not out. So after 30 minutes we saw the typical Ricky Ponting struggle to survive until he was ten and Michael Hussey typically batting nerves first, every sinew stretched.

By lunch they had not just survived but set Andrew Strauss problems he could not sort out and I guess he chaired a committee meeting during the interval so that he could find who to bowl next.

He had tried Stuart Broad who might have had three wickets and Graeme Swann who snapped out an appeal every other over. They took the wickets, and James Anderson and Andrew Flintoff offered support.

Who to bowl next? Perhaps the dressing room committee will come up with an answer. I thought that, for the first time, England missed Monty Panesar, even bowling badly, as a contrast.

To tea

It's not often that England rely entirely on their fielders but today three great pieces of out-cricket gave them a tight grip on the game.

First Flintoff threw down Ponting's stumps from mid-on - a 30 yard throw - and reminded us all that in the Trent Bridge Test four years ago Ponting was also run out by a direct hit that gave England the Ashes.

Those who knock Flintoff forget those moments only he can initiate and that, in the words of Geoff Boycott, "Freddie never bowls a bad spell." That remark, rather than snide comments on his "lack of professionalism" ought to be his reward for a fine career.

Four balls later Michael Clarke stumbled forward and was run out by a Strauss direct hit and at 236-5 Marcus North was stumped by Matt Prior off Swann as he pushed forward and clearly thought his foot was still behind the line. Umpire Billy Bowden made no reference to the third umpire but was correct in a tight decision.

At tea England were almost home with Australia 265-5 and the tail waiting their turn to hand back the Ashes.

To the Ashes

Soon after tea Swann persuaded Brad Haddin to play one more rash attacking shot, Steve Harmison snapped up two victims in successive balls and three in a row and then, and quite right too, Swann finished off the match by having Hussey caught to crown his marathon stint with four wickets.

Australia were all out for 348, England had won by 197 runs and the Ashes had come home; but this time the celebrations had none of the bravado of 2005. At this moment, the sadness of his retirement seemed to hit Flintoff hard and when Harmison was lining up a hat trick our Freddie must have wished he was completing his Test career with the same handle on glory.

Victory there might have been but England still need to solve batting problems at opener and No.3 although the improved form of Prior seems to have cured the worries surrounding the wicket-keeping. As for the bowling, wait until we meet in the cafe tomorrow.

Greg here:

Mate, at least you won. Think of our mess. We picked the wrong squad, without a third opening bat. We picked the wrong team for this match without a spinner. Our skipper is only the second Australian captain to lose the Ashes here twice. These little matters will not be quickly forgotten back home, I can tell you.

See you back Down Under for another whitewash!

He does not change does he. Well, that's Australian, I guess.

Oh, did I mention - it's 2-1, you Aussie mates.

Too many, surely

The Oval Fifth Ashes Test - day three.

Preview

What a lovely, shining morning. Just the day, as Ken Dodd might say, for kicking off your shin pads, high-stepping out to the wicket and saying to the nearest Australian: "Have a good trip home, mate; and don't forget to leave the Ashes in the museum."

Yes, today could be the day although before you start counting the chucks - that is Oz-talk for chickens - remember that England still have to remove Ricky Ponting, one of the greatest batsmen of all time, and Michael Clarke, the leading run-scorer in this series. They may put up a stiffer fight than when they fell to the youthful, but duly modest, Stuart Broad.

(I may run myself out if he doesn't stop this pretence that he was somehow acting at the team's behest when he takes out the Australian top order in the blink of an eye.)

So fingers crossed and here we go . . .

To lunch

No question about it - Andrew Strauss's morning even though he got out carelessly just a couple of minutes before the break.

Not only did he offer no chance, but he showed - and told - Jonathon Trott how he wanted the rest of the innings conducted. He defended solidly for 90 minutes and then began to accelerate. Trott followed suit so that at the interval England were 157-4, 329 ahead, many more than Australia could expect to make, even though the Test is not half way finished.

In many ways it has been Strauss's series. The captaincy inspires his batting, his average is higher since he took charge and we must trust that his tactical nous will improve as he grows into the job.

Trott followed the excellent lead set by Strauss so that as the second session of the day began there was only one result worth a shilling of your money. Perhaps it is a sign of the bad luck that has followed Australia during the series that Ricky Ponting was hit in the mouth, fielding at silly point, off the last ball of the session.

To tea

Ponting led his side out as usual, little the worst for the full-blooded blow in the mouth; meanwhile England batted - sometimes adventurously, often aiming only to extend the match as it passed the half way stage - on and on.

Matt Prior was too adventurous and run out, Andrew Flintoff played a last, dashing Test innings and Stuart Broad hit so convincingly that a friend from county cricket who told me that he must model himself on Richard Hadlee clearly had the right idea.

Trott was close to his debut hundred, slow but sure in the South African way, as England reached 290-7, 462 ahead - despite Marcus North's four wickets - and made us wonder if they knew declaration was an option.

To close

By 6.30 the doubts set in. After all only five batsmen were out today while 395 runs were scored.

Strauss declared after Trott reached his 100 in five hours - although it seemed longer - and Graeme Swann had hit 63 off 55 balls. Trott became the 18th England batsman to make a century on debut and he held the innings together. An aggregate of 160 runs is not a bad first try either.

Was it all too easy to score on this pitch that has been described as a minefield? Could Australia be the first team to score more than 500 to win a Test? Will Ponting and Co. go home heroes with the Ashes in their carry on luggage?

England set them to make 546 in two days and 21 overs and, in some comfort, Simon Katich and Shane Watson put on 80. Yes, they had troubles but as they batted through the temptation to rush to the nearest bookmaker and beg him to let one back Australia was almost an obsession.

It's impossible, isn't it?

Closing in on the Ashes

The Oval. Fifth Ashes Test - day two

Preview

Every other critic seems to have hedged his bets but my feeling is - after a good night's sleep - that England have the upper hand on one of the worst day one pitches I can remember. Surely those dry footprints, that crusty surface and the turn will only get more helpful. It is a result pitch and a great chance for England to win back the Ashes.

I watched the infamous game at Christchurch in 1984 when the pitch was so bad that England were twice bowled out for under 100 and their captain Bob Willis was able to yank a huge piece of turf out of the pitch soon after the match finished. I also saw the game at Edgbaston when Curtly Ambrose's first ball leapt high to the ropes without batsman or keeper laying anything it. Both Tests ended in just over two days.

The worst pitch of all may have been at Old Trafford in 1956. The former Australian leg spinner Bill O'Reilly was still in a rage about it 35 years later. Jim Laker took 19 wickets - several of the England fielders shook his hand as they left the field and he drank a pint in a pub unrecognised that same evening - but the Aussie memory is of a pitch made to suit Laker and Tony Lock.

To lunch

Patience everyone! England add another 25, sketchy, runs to total 332; not enough but plenty if they bowl well.

Their four bowlers put in sterling performances and Simon Katich and Shane Watson, clear they do not need to win this Test to keep the Ashes, trot along at two and a half runs an over until rain stops play four minutes before the interval.

A dull morning - and I say that even though I do not find yesterday's play as meaningless as some know-nothing critics - in which England do not make an inch of progress. Lets hope those back in the pavilion have a bright idea.

Time to give Stuart Broad a bowl, I reckon. He seems to have umpire sympathy with lbw shouts and that could turn their luck.

To tea

Of course, no self-respecting critic says I told you so.

Immediately after a long rain break Broad bowled and in the next two hours, in which he sent down 12 overs, Australia lost eight wickets for 72. Watson was plumb lbw, Ponting played on, Hussey groped for the ball and was lbw, Clarke was caught low on the drive - all off Broad. Four in a row.

He completed his second successive five wicket haul when he bowled Haddin - the best ball of his long spell which was turning into an application for the Andrew Flintoff job, soon to be vacant - and the other three fell to some beautiful off spin from Graeme Swann. North lbw, Katich, still trying his socks off, caught at short leg and Johnson, hitting, caught behind were all victims of a magical box of tricks.

Naturally there were standing ovations for Broad at the end of every over. I did warn you he might be England's hero but he owed nothing to the umpires. It was the best Ashes show by England for four years and surely it must mean victory here and the return of the little urn.

Happily Strauss does not have to decide the follow-on strategy. He leads an England run fest and then . . . but this time I don't need to tell you what will happen. I do reckon you wont need that Sunday ticket though.

To close

When Australia were all out for 160, 172 behind, England dreamed of a long lead by the end of the day. No such luck; but they were still on top, still favourites and we knew they would have to work hard to throw this one away.

Strauss, highly praised for his innovative changes - which I suspect were arranged in the dressing room during the rain break - showed his true quality with two hours of high level concentration.

He lost Cook, Bell and Collingwood, all dithering, while he showed a grim face to the world and a big bat to the bowlers. It was his day almost as much as Broad and Swann's; his reward was a lead of 230 with seven wickets to fall and the chance to set the Aussies an unreachable target.

But keep your fingers crossed. It is not all over yet.

Winning score?

The Oval. Fifth Ashes Test - first day

Preview

At least we know the selectors have not had a brainstorm overnight. Flintoff, Swann, Harmison, Broad and Anderson are the bowlers; enough to give Strauss a choice. No Panesar to give Strauss a headache; Trott at No.5. Heaven help his poor delicate debutant soul when he first arrives at the wicket even if there are words around the county circuit which describe him in terms far from complimentary. I feel he is a mistake. Aussies unchanged, without a spinner

England win the toss, given the chance to strangle the life out of Oz and use the wasting pitch at the end. I just wish there was evidence of imagination, daring or anyone who is fully fit and able to turn the match on its head. Rashid must wonder when someone will show faith in him.

To lunch

In the words of the old song: "Who could ask for anything more?"

True, England lost Alastair Cook for ten, but even at that point Andrew Strauss looked as if he had set his mind on a century. Ian Bell was peppered by Mitchell Johnson, looked uncomfortable, but survived without giving a chance. What is a No.3 supposed to do when an opener has gone early? Keep his wicket intact, that's what.

By the interval Strauss has reached fifty and Bell had made 41 off 55 balls. Grumpy voices in the television commentary box could be heard muttering that Bell was far from solid but I liked the score - 108-1 in 27 overs - and the style. As for the Aussies they must have looked at the footmarks on the pitch and wondered if there was some way they could get Nathan Nauritz into play.

A plea for ideas from Harlequins might provide an answer.

To tea

The ball is going through the top, it looks as if the Australians have picked the wrong side and all England have to do is to bat.

So, Strauss is out ten minutes after lunch, Paul Collingwood struggles for 90 minutes before being caught in the gully and, well you know Bell, he does not tear up trees even when he is 150.

He just bats to the interval when England are 170-3 and not as far on top as they would like to be although this Test may be low-scoring. The Aussies bowled two sessions of 27 overs each so that it begins to look like a defensive plan.

Jonathon Trott is not impressive and it takes him 12 balls to get off the mark. Just batting now seems to be the only option.

To close

After half an hour's overtime - 85.3 overs - England were 307-8, their middle order having let them down again and scored just 91 for the lose of five wickets. Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann pushed the score beyond 300 in an eighth wicket stand that mixed common sense and bold strokes. It might even be a winning score.

The pitch deserved the term "sporting" if that means turn, lift, bounce and a broken surface on day one. Australia had no bowlers to exploit this mess and England must be favourites for one of the worst Test pitches in years must wear further.

Trott made 42 of those 91 middle order runs but unless he suffers excessively from nerves his innings did not define a Test star of the future. It may be enough for a famous victory.

The fix

I dare not preview the fifth Test; I have no idea who is going to play. Panesar or Swann or both; Harmison or Onions or both; Lee or Clark or Hauritz?

Don't ask me but if you happen to bump into a bookmaker in a bar - you'll know him straight away, dark glasses, talks out of the side of his mouth, tenners sticking out of his top pocket - you could ask him to drop me a line.

Which brings us to the topic of the moment. Match fixing or, as I have always preferred to call it, player fixing. It is more common, it is easier and the rewards are greater.

Let me tell you about another meeting in a bar. Maybe completely accurate, maybe owes a lot to my imagination.

Nasty Bookmaker to gullible batsman: "So how many will you make tomorrow? Nice pitch, the bowling is almost friendly and you are at the top of your game."

GB: "Oh, 70-plus, hopefully."

NB: "If I slipped these bank notes into your top pocket would you consider making 49?"

GB: "Sure. Why not? Hopefully."

NB: "Thanks, mate, you just made me a fortune."

So the bookmaker offers generous odds on GB making fifty, the punters pile on their cash, GB gets out ahead of that target, the punters are not too miffed and the bookmaker can now send his children to Eton, or buy a new Merc, or pay his girl friend's mortgage.

Everyone is happy. Well, except ICC who have been concerned about new growth player fixing for a while but who, surprisingly, did not monitor the IPL T20 matches. Not in India, home of the first generation Nasty Bookies, or South Africa home of their late companion Hansie Cronje? Why not?

Perhaps the Australian approached in the team hotel bar misread the signs, or was too sensitive to the chance of an approach and that the man was a genuine punter only interested in a bit of inside knowledge for his private betting purposes. Perhaps the player should have forgotten all about the meeting.

But, no. He did the right thing by reporting his suspicions and alerting the ICC sniffer dogs to a new outbreak of rabid twisted betting and setting them up for a look at the IPL, the ICL and all the other new-born, cash-rich T20 leagues.

My guess is that the fix has been in all the time but who knows. The bookies are better at keeping secrets than the Ashes team managements so what chance have we got.

A Pom's prayer

Now is the time to offer votive prayer,
To ask the sporting gods for special signs
Rain when they bat, those lucky Aussies
Sunshine to bathe our glory in

They've had their turn, surely you gods know that
For 20 years - bar 16 happy months - they wore the crown
They led the world in everything (except gentility)
Justice demands we have the Ashes now

Miller's men have done their best
And, yes, I know its feeble
Strauss is flawed, don't you know it
Please give him a hand

Without KP our batsmen need your blessing
Thank Grace for Freddie, an imperfect human
But a cricketer to turn defeat to victory
In a single ball

So, you silent sporting gods, come forth
Show you have a sense of right and wrong
A whisper in an umpire's ear, a misheard call
It's not too much to ask, now is it?

When we see you've smiled on us
You'll hear us mutter semper fidelis
We'll sing Jerusalem long and loud
All we'll add is: 2-1, you Aussie bastards!

A Millers's tale

Of course, David Graveney and Geoff MIller should no more have been chairman of selectors than chosen to star in a Hollywood blockbuster, sing the lead in Madame Butterfly or walk barefoot over the Sahara.

They won't mind me saying they were not among the ten greatest cricketers to play the game in the last 150 years; they know that. Not in the same bracket as Peter May and Ted Dexter, Ray Illingworth or Alec Bedser, their predecessors. They were last pick from any tour party, and yet, to be fair to them, they have done a fairly decent job.

All they have done in truth is to show up the biggest problem in English cricket.

The men who ought to be England coach, or national selector Miller's new title, and chairman of whatever committee runs the Test side are all happily camped nigh above the ground, discussing the mistakes made by the England and Wales Cricket Board, at large and the players and their management in particular.

In other words the former stars now commentating. No wonder they smile all the time.

Think how much more confidence you might have in winning back the Ashes next week-end if Bob Willis, 60 but as sharp-eyed as ever, were chairman of ECB. Or David Gower head of the selection panel. Or Nasser Hussain and Mike Atherton in charge of coaching.

Don't imagine for the length of a Ravi Bopara innings they will send their resignation to Sky and dash to ECB HQ to volunteer for England duty.

They know which side of their bread is covered in Marmite; and who is to blame them for accepting the Rupert Murdoch shilling rather than suffering the pain that goes with being Geoff Miller or Andy Flower.

If England win at the Oval those two jobs will be worth having. If not there will be no use ducking; you will get a heap of sewage on your head long before you shout "garde lou."

It cannot be long before some nasty tabloid - I know, mates, I worked for them - makes Miller and Silly into a defeatist headline and as for Flower, if he is not a dandelon sometime soon I have missed my vocation.

Besides it is a lot easier to sit in a warm commentary box, going "I would never have bowled him at this stage" while earning £100k a year, rather than having to pick a team, try to explain it when things go wrong, receive the cat calls of Joe and Jo Public and try to find somewhere quiet to cry. All for half the Sky rewards.

I know one commentator who would love to be chairman of selectors but a few minutes quiet reflection soon cures him of that idea. He used to ring me and say he could do a better job.

All true but for a moment, you big daft sod, stick with the life you have cut out for yourself. It's safer, more secure and it does not involve being made into a public fool on a regular basis.

British is best

The selectors spent five hours last Friday in picking the squad for the fifth and final Test - that is three players an hour - and when the party was announced this morning I wondered what they found to talk about.

Unless they are less clever than I think, it cannot, for instance, have taken them all that time to be sure they wanted grandchild-of-the-famous-over-the-clock Trott Jonathon to play at the Oval and Ravi Bopara to stay at home. Trott nearly played at Headingley; Bopara averages 15 in four Ashes Tests. What's to argue about?

Well, you can tell me if you wish, that Trott is not head-to-tail British, although he sounds as if Surrey is his natural home rather than Pretoria. I doubt if Geoff Miller and Co. had many concerns about that issue.

I do, actually. I was brought up in a cricket sense in Yorkshire where everyone of the players - with 29 exceptions in a century, most of those arguable - was as Yorkshire as Ilkley Moor and they won for that reason. Today we might call it commonality, then we just noted they all talked - whenever they felt it necessary - like Geoff Boycott, came from the Bradford or Yorkshire Leagues and were probably related in some distant way.

Once when I was 16 I and my feeble off breaks were looked over by a former Yorkshire player at the school nets. Don't even ask why. "Where were you born?" he asked. "Birmingham, sir," I said, knowing this was the wrong answer. "YOU can't play for Yorkshire," he grumbled and then took no notice when I pulled off the most spectacular caught and bowled. "Can't play for Yorkshire," I heard him mutter to the games master.

So, it is not surprising that I am in favour of all England players having a claim by birth or parentage to be British and I still feel as if I had suddenly discovered I must be left-handed every time a Trott or a KP but not an Andrew Strauss emerges.

I just wish the selectors would not go down this route, even though I want England to beat Australia, even though I have loved Robin Smith's square cut, and been friends with any number of Caribbean-born players and had no objection when one was chosen at a time.

When the team is over-populated by men born in Zambia, Australia, the RSA and the West Indies, I wondered if we will ever be at the top of the world rankings.

I also sometimes think that the sporting gods prefer Australia to be the giants of the game rather than us simply because they rarely pick a man who is not a fair dinkum Aussie.

O rare Michael Yardy

FOR A FEW MINUTES at Edgbaston we saw what might have been; a mighty display of hitting from Marcus Trescothick; before Sussex, another set of giants in the modern game, won the T-20 competition. I wondered briefly if Michael Yardy might be a good captain for the England one-day and T-20 teams. He is not a great performer but he is a highly intelligent cricketer and you cannot have enough of those rare creatures.

Tresco is a No.

The England selectors are meeting as I type this post. No doubt they are wondering whether they should pluck Mark Ramprakash from the pension queue, move Jonathon Trott from the bench to the starting line-up or pull Robert Key out of the backwater that is championship cricket and subject him to trial by searchlight in the England team.

They no longer have to consider the problem caused by Marcus Trescothick, the most missed of all those who have fallen since 2005. Trescothick heard he might be wanted, found he was enthused by the idea and then, a couple of days ago, woke up sweating after a nightmare.

In his terrible dream he could not find his England kit while his team mates waited outside. He knew at that moment a return to international cricket was out of the question and announced that his retirement, caused by his mental problems, was still in place. Quite right too.

If you spend a quarter of a century with England as I did you make contact with players in the most unusual ways. He and I used to meet hotel corridors as he played football with his two-year-old girl. We often had the room next to the Trescothick family; something to do with the alphabet although we could never make out quite what.

"Now then, Tresco," I used to giggle, "watch out for those mighty tackles." He used to grin - a slow Somerset grin I always thought - and continue, with a proper dad's concern, to see that this budding female Beckham got the ball at her feet. Nice man, I used to think, to be so caring for his daughter in the middle of a Test.

So when he ran into the wretched issues over the time he spent away from the family I knew just what he was going through. Much as I admired his drives past the bowler, his ability to destroy an attack and those moments when he stood in the slips on the final day at Old Trafford in 2005 and begged the crowd to play their part in the attempt to beat the Aussies I realised he had other priorities.

I wondered briefly this week if a week away from Somerset, possibly with the family, for the final Test might be workable but if a man is having nightmares about his job he is as well to stand back and let other, less sensitive souls, step ahead in the queue.

Sensitive? A 33-year-old professional cricketer? Come on!

Yes. Let me tell you that Trescothick has another nightmare. His best pal died in a road accident when they were 17 and you may see him look upwards at times to dedicate a special innings to that lad.

Yes, Tresco, not for the first time you have made the right decision.

A waitress writes

Kate here,

You'll know me as the waitress from those times when they all meet in the cafe and I serve that daft young cricketer "tea latte" as if such stuff existed and then I have a bit of a fling with Greg and get rather carried away and follow him all the way to Australia.

It is not until I am sitting in Sydney Airport that I think "why am I running after someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me" and get on the next plane home. I have been back to the cafe and my job is still there and I asked Ted if I could write something on his blog and he said: "Sure" which is nice of him.

All I want to say is that although I read all about the changes everyone keeps asking for in the England team - and on this blog - I don't care who plays. I just want England to tan the hides off those smug, double dealing, bloody Australians so that the next time I see Greg - Hell, if they are all like him swearing eternal love and then hiking off back to Oz the moment a girl wants to take him up on the deal - I can say

"STUFF YOU, MATE."

Dream team

Of course, it is dream time but here is a team to win back the Ashes at the Oval next week-end.

1. Andrew Strauss
2. Marcus Trescothick
3. Mark Ramprakash
4. Paul Collingwood
5. Matt Prior
6. Andrew Flintoff
7. Michael Vaughan (capt)
8. Chris Read (wicket-keeper)
9. Ryan Sidebottom
9. Graeme Swann or Stuart Broad
10. Jimmy Anderson
11. Monty Panesar

Coach: Nasser Hussain.
Manager: David GraveneyI

'm not going to debate my own selections; I realise all you are intelligent enough to see where I am coming from.

I want someone - probably Nasser who notoriously wears his heart on both sleeves - to prepare a final speech on these lines.

"Look, lads, this is not a career move; it's a one-off match to give this country back the Ashes. Some of you will never play another cricket match so make the most of this huge opportunity. This Aussies are a moderate side at best; everyone of you can play far better than your opposite number; and as it is a last time on the big stage you can also pull any stunt, trick, ploy or bit of nastiness you like. I'll back you but because this is a unique occasion, because you will not suffer any repercussions this is a match in which you can - as those lads in the next dressing room might say - go for your lives. So good luck - and give 'em hell."

This is not - please understand me - a side our selectors would endorse. They like evolution not revolution and normally I'd have sympathy with that point of view. But we are at such a desperate pitch after the dire result at Headingley that we have to take a few risk, through the rules of thumb out of the window.

If England don't win back the Ashes, they will take heaven alone knows how long to get back close to the top of the world rankings and, worse still, the Aussies will go home convinced they are the jam on the doughnut. In fact, they are not good enough to be top of the tree and they ought to be shown the truth about their status - as a team rebuilding with a bunch of promising players.

If England prove their point they will do themselves and the rest of the cricket world a service. It's a gamble - making so many changes - but surely it has a grain of sense and it is time we tried.

Sport is about dreams and England can prove that point and a few more besides by taking the series 2-1.

No, Ramps

Mark Ramprakash? Come on, yes or no?

The story has been around since the week-end but, frankly, that is all it is. A story. There is not a ice cube in hell's chance of it turning into fact. Or is there?

Ramps is difficult. Temperamental. Erratic. Distracted and distracting. Unless every one of the tales from the Middlesex and Surrey dressing room are fiction he believes the gods are on the other guy's side and that he has had a raw deal from umpires, selectors, county officials, his own captains and his batting partners.

Not a team player. But a nice guy. He once spotted my partner struggling with her 15 kilos of scoring equipment and carried it from the taxi to the hotel for her. You'll think: "So would anybody" but Ramps is the only one who did it as Jo and I toured for 20 years.

Is he a great batsman? Yes. I remember Mike Gatting describing him as "better than I was at the same age" when he won a trophy final for Middlesex at Lord's. In case you are having a giggle - having just seen a picture of overweight Gatt circa 2009 or film of him allowing Shane Warne to bowl him - let me remind you that Gatting was not just a fine middle order batsman, but a terrific captain and a good friend to people like me when we were on tour together.

Ramps stayed with Middlesex for half a career of dispute, poor Test performances mixed with brilliant county runs until he had been dropped once too often. Like Graeme Hick, Chris Lewis, Bruce French, Alan Mullally and a dozen more who played through the losing 1990s, he did not quite make it.

I have wondered since who was at fault. Ramps - yes, probably. But several coaches failed to get him straightened out and so he drifted out of the England side and then from Lord's to the Oval where he has blossomed.

Now he is a hair's breath from 40, with a summer average topping 100, England are in a pickle and yet, no he will not be back in the side.

The Oval is his home pitch, the Australian attack is built for his ultra orthodox compact, even handsome style and he would love to - as he sees it - put the record straight.

On the reverse side, his runs this summer have come in the Second Division, on flat pitches, against third rate bowlers for whom incentive is racing one another to the sandwich tray.

No. It's a romantic, do-you-remember Washbrook and Close and Graveney? those were the days sort of story; but unless the selectors, with their eyes on consistent selection, looking to the future, giving youth its chance, go mad this week-end, I cannot see it happening.

Not that I would stay in my seat with may hands in my pockets if he did emerge from the Oval pavilion gate. I'd be thinking "he carried my missus' bags that time, he deserves another chance" and I might rise to my feet and applaud with a tear in my eye.

But it won't happen so why think about it.

Captaincy roll

The cafe

You can cut lumps off the air of despondency. The waitress is still not back, the young colt is clearly not happy that the waitress he meets last week is absent, the old guy must have lost a tenner and found sixpence and I, well, I'm just thinking about all the stuff I've written which is now so much wasted effort.

"When in doubt, blame the selectors," says the old guy. "Good rule of thumb. They get rid of Kevin Pietersen as captain and put Strauss in his place, they let KP and Freddie go to South Africa and get injured, they persist with Bopara who will be better at flying than he is at batting No.3 and at Headingley they prefer Harmison to Ryan Sidebottom, who must know the pitch better than anyone else. Shall I go on?"

"Who's your captain?" I ask, just to make mischief.

"There isn't one," says TOG.

"Angus Fraser is a good captain at Middlesex," says the young guy. "He says to me 'Well played, young man' when I get that fifty at Lord's. No, tell a lie, it was that fella at Cambridge. Or it might have been the Worcestershire Colts captain. No, 'Well done,' he says and I go on to make 90. Where was that? I'll remember in a minute.!

"So your choice for England captain is either Fraser who is retired, a University captain or a Colts skipper. No wonder we are in a bit of a state," says TOG.

"Well," says the kid, "at least I've come up with a few names. More than you two."

"I just wish Michael Vaughan had kept going," I say. "At least he had a brain and the others would have been pleased to score his runs for him - so long as they were winning."

"They'd have grumbled," says TOG, "no place like a dressing room for grumbling."

He is interrupted by the return of the wandering Aussie. "Greg here," says a familiar voice. "Why can't you guys see that you are beaten by an outstanding Test team, led by the greatest captain of the 20th or 21st centuries, with or without the assistance of Justin Langer."

"That's who it was," says the kid, all excited. "Captain of Somerset, Justin Langer. He says 'Well done, young man' when I get to fifty. There's a name we can debate."

"He's an Aussie, you twit," says Greg. "As well as being at least two centuries old. Don't you know anything about this game?"

"Yes, I do," says the lad. "Where is Strauss born? South Africa. Where is KP born? South Africa. Where is Vaughan born. Eccles in Lancashire. Cricket is international. It doesn' matter any more. No prejudice, no bias, no rules, ok."

"Yes," says Greg, "you mean England should send for the captain of their greatest side, the holder of more trophies than Manchester United and and both media saavy and good looking. Charlotte Edwards! Why didn't we think of that earlier?"

We all go very quiet.

Series level

Headingley. Fourth Ashes Test - third day.

Preview

Yes, third day and the game has no more than a couple of hours to run!

So you don't need to guess what is going to happen; no mystery, no prophesy skills involved.

Lets instead have a look at a remarkable document produced by Justin Langer which tries to fill in the details the Australians may have overlooked in their research into what makes England tick.

OK, so he thinks Ravi Bopara will be upset if he is ignored, James Anderson is easily put off and Matt Prior has issues with his own ego. I just hope our Jason did not have to sit up all night before coming to these devastating conclusions.

What might have been interesting were his conclusions about Kevin Pietersen. Did he forget KP? Not a word about England's greatest batsman. Why? Were his conclusions so robust that the Sunday Telegraph - you can read the detail in their sports section - dare not risk a libel action? Were they so dull that the ST chose to ignore them?

I hope it prompts ECB to action. But, please, not another inquiry, working party or sub-committee. Michael Vaughan's commentary is printed alongside the Langer analysis. Read that first and then ring him up for a further verdict on a subject that needs investigation but not from someone long retired, at arm's length from the county dressing rooms and determined only to produce opinions that will satisfy the conservatives who run the game here.

How about a group of former players: Vaughan, Alec Stewart, Andy Caddick and Mike Atherton, for instance.

It won't happen. Langer says English players like their own comfort zone. They learnt their attitude from men who are now in charge and those gentlemen will not set up an inquiry which means they have to think, or stir themselves to action or - heaven forfend - make changes.

One day soon they may wake to find the game has been stolen from them - but it will be too late for an inquiry then.

To lunch

I am not sure what Langer made of this session, but I could not stop laughing.

James Anderson went third ball of the day and Prior for 22 - both to Ben Hilfenhaus - but afterwards the game was filled with circus acts. Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann hit 49 in three overs, Stuart Clark was smashed for 32 in two overs, two tumbling catches were dropped in the outfield - and went for four - and Broad was not out until he had hit 61 off 48 balls.

Tail-end mayhem, causing the Aussies to huddle in little worried groups.

All in a hopeless cause; at lunch England were 245-8, 98 behind and therefore still needing around 200 to have half a chance of winning. Still two days and two sessions to go when Steve Harmison blocked out the final over and Swann reached his fifty with a six. In two hours 163 runs had been scored; well worth a cheer or two from the full house.

We Englishmen love the Dunkirk story and there is no doubt that this session has lifted the spirits of a badly beaten side. It made the journey to the Oval for the decider so much more within our comfort zone.

If only we had had the Andrew Flintoff spirit to add to the Dunkirk spirit.

To victory

Australia needed only another 23 minutes to win by an innings and 80 runs although they were lucky that umpire Billy Bowden was persuaded that Swann hit the ball to Brad Haddin.

The best technology available - as well as his own disgusted expression - suggested Swann missed the ball. The evidence that Graham Onions was out was convincing; his stumps were awry, the bails on the floor.

Don't blame Bowden, even though he also allowed a five-ball and a seven ball over in the morning. He certainly did not umpire as badly as England batted first time and their middle order performed in both innings.

Calls for the recall of Mark Ramprakash, Robert Key and Geoff Boycott will fall on death ears. The selectors are wedded to the concept of few changes and while it is still possible to win at the Oval and regain the Ashes they will leave the team more or less intact.

The spectators cannot grumble. Those who came yesterday had their moneysworth and those who bought tickets for the fourth day will get a refund.

Neither have the Aussies any reason to complain. Their luck turned and although they bowled poorly today they at least knew where they ought to pitch the ball. In contrast the England attack seemed to think short deliveries were the answer. Even the enw boy Marcus North, find of the series as well as man of the match, knew better.

Yorkshire old-timers Fred Trueman, Richard Hutton, Chris Old, Bill Bowes and the little-remembered Tony Nicholson would have cried to see the England bowling.

If England can take something from this match it must be the signs of panic that gripped Australia on the final morning; but of course they still had two days and two sessions to win the match.

Level at 1-1 they are unlikely to let go easily.

Light years behind

Headingley Fourth Ashes Test - day two

Preview

Sorry to leave you to Greg's outlandish triumphalism at the end of the first day but somewhere in mid-afternoon I remembered that John Arlott refused to describe the cricket on the day England were bowled out for 52 at the Oval in 1948.

It struck me that Andrew Strauss's England had reached a similar low point and that as a form of protest if nothing else I should go into my shell, bunker or slit trench for a while.

All the bad luck - early morning fire alarm, Matt Prior's mishap, Andrew Flintoff being sidelined, winning the toss - turned from Australia to England who have to be thankful the gods were on their right hand for so long.

The good news is that the bravest of the brave can take advantage of 9-1 England. It's as good a way to lose a quid as any I can imagine; who is there in this team to lead a revival now that Freddie is back home?

To lunch

For the second morning in a row England's supporters - reduced to silence for most of the two hours - must have wished that the rebuilding of the ground could include curtains so that they did not have to watch their team played so ineptly.

The attack started by bowling too short on a pitch that rewards those balls of full length so that Michael Clarke, early on, and Marcus North, as his confidence grew, could score at will.

Eventually, 30 minutes before lunch with Australia close to 200 ahead, Andrew Strauss remembered Graham Onions, who trapped Clarke lbw at 93 and Graeme Swann who at least kept control of the run rate.

As for Steve Harmison, Stuart Broad and James Anderson - they probably went to lunch thinking they would prefer a curtain round the ground too.

To tea

North pushed Australia to 445, all out a few minutes into the interval with a lead of 343 and the chance of completing victory in two days. North has been the rock linking the middle and lower orders throughout the series with two hundreds and a 94; innings you might expect from an elite batsman not a stranger.

Broad showed just what he has to offer - a grumpy, grumbling disposition, overlaid with abundant talent; a mix of top class deliveries combined with a scattergun approach. He finished off the innings to take 6-91. He was not the best of the England attack but there is no doubting his quality when everything goes right.

In what you might call the old days Broad would have gone back to his county and mopped up dozens of lesser victims and some old pro wisdom. In this era he has to learn his trade at the top. It may be a problem.

To close

England almost went down to defeat in two days after 35 minutes that left them without a prayer.

Strauss and Alastair Cook put on 58 before Strauss and Ravi Bopara were both lbw to Ben Hilfenhaus in successive ball. Hilfenhaus would have had a hat trick if Ian Bell had been good enough to touch the next ball.

Bell was out at 67, caught at slip off Mitchell Johnson, who had Paul Collingwood lbw to his inswinger and Cook caught behind at 78. If North had clung on to a chance from Matt Prior off the last ball Ricky Ponting would have claimed the extra half hour.

England, 82-5 light years behind the Aussie aggregate, are a beaten side, with their grip on the Ashes getting looser every over.

Disadvantage England

Headingley. Fourth Ashes Test - day one.

Preview

Every so often there is a day in your life when you have to earn your money - and that was true for everyone in the England management team this morning.

They had a tricky decision when they knew Andrew Flintoff was out but just as they were pencilling in Steve Harmison's name they looked up and saw Matt Prior down in a heap with a back spasm.

Half an hour later they had patched up Prior so that on the surface the only change was Harmison for Flintoff. Our selectors like unchanged teams because it worked so well in and around 2005 and if you have no changes as a policy life becomes a lot simpler.

The Aussies chose Stuart Clarke for Nathan Hauritz - a more debatable change because sometimes you need a spinner at Leeds - and when Strauss won the toss it looked as if it was advantage England before a ball had been bowled.

To lunch

Quickly followed by disadvantage England. I reckon it was all down to Strauss, although he was hardly to blame.

Even when he was winning the toss he looked distracted - by injuries, team changes, interviews - which all tested his ability to deal with the extra load that goes with captaincy. Had he the spare capacity? It looks as if the answer was no. Someone should have taken more of the load. But who? Young Alistair Cook? He's not ready for such responsibility - yet.

Strauss should have been lbw first ball and was out - still looking distracted - to at 11. Ravi Bopara fell at 15, Ian Bell at 39, Paul Collingwood for nought, Cook, who had survived neatly to that point, at 63 and Stuart Broad, last ball before lunch at 72-6.

The ball moved every which way and Clark took the last three wickets with Yorkshire-tight intelligent medium pace.

It was Ashes-winning cricket, taut, expert, planned and well directed and for once the cliche about it being a good toss to lose was right on target.

To tea
In two thirds of a day England had thrown away all the courage they showed in the last few overs at Cardiff, their victory at Lord's and their enterprise at Edgbaston. The Spirit of Flintoff was conspicuously absent.

The last four wickets added only another ten runs and Jimmy Anderson, going for a single that continued his record of never making a Test duck, strained a thigh muscle and proceeded to bowl wildly. Prior cannot be blamed. What could be do more?

Australia, having bowled England out for 102 in 33,5 overs, then rushed to 69-1 in 15overs; Ricky Ponting, heartily booed all the way to the wicket when Simon Katich fell victim to Steve Harmison, played a festival innings and Shane Watson looked like a cross between Desmond Haynes and Herbert Sutcliffe.

All the lessons of Headingley - don't bowl short, lure the batsmen forward, let the pitch provide the devil - were forgotten. Faces fell, the crowd went quiet, even the Barmy Army could not raise a tune.

Their trumpeter has been "encouraged" not to attend the match as if he might be a 1930s Black Shirt seen heading for the East End. It has been a sad, sad day and I wonder if there is a voice left in the game to bring a revival from an England side that looks defeated already.

To close

Greg here

Ted has thrown the toys out of the pram and gone off to weep into his silk handkerchief just like Poms do when life goes wrong. "You take over and tell how your thieving mates steal this match," he says and promptly turns off his mobile.

Rest of the day is quite simple. Oz reach 196-4, Broad gets two jammy lbws and Onions one that is a bit closer but Michael Clarke and Marcus North bat out time. Clarke is full of runs although Harmison hits him on the helmet and seems to have him caught off his wrist band but 94 ahead at the end of the first day and Aussie are bound to win and keep the Ashes with a draw at the Oval.

Draw at the Oval . . . remind you of four years ago? I'll laugh so much I'll buy my own ale if that happens. I'm thinking of making a return trip so you'll all be able to buy me a beer on the last day. I'll be wearing an Aussie flag - just so you don't go getting in rounds for the wrong guys. In the meantime I will accept warm notes of congratulation by email so get typing, you miserable Poms.