5-0 says Greg

The cafe, with 23 pre-Ashes days to go. We are joined - uninvited - by Greg Orry, wearing a hat complete with corks, shorts with an Austalian flag on the backside, holding a crocodile skin wallet full of Aussie dollars and "as happy as a wallaby with two dicks."

"Mate, it's all meant to be ironic," he says.

"By the way, don't tempt me, I am not going to say a word about an England team that cannot find a middle order hitter, even though they have one sitting in their change room. Out of respect because you did better than the Aussies."

We order coffees and the young guy's tea latte. The old pro asks: "So what level cricket did you play, Greg?"

Greg has another chuckle. "Oh, mate, C teams in the Sydney grade - top county level," he says. "I would have captained Australia but somehow in my teenage years shagging women and drinking grog seemed a much more attractive proposition."

The waitress brings the drinks and says: "Is he going to nominate the result of the Ashes like the rest of us?"

"Oh, no need to ask, mate. Oz 5-0 or as many Tests as the weather in this cold, overcast and damp climate allows," he says.

She says: "That is silly. You haven't got a spinner worth emailing home about and I know that there will be spinners' pitches at two of the five grounds."

"'Cuse me," says Greg. "How do you know so much?"

"'Cos I am seeing the groundsmen at three of the venues and believe me they talk in their sleep or soon afterwards," she says. "Have you got the same sources of information."

"No," says Greg. "I am proud of being the only hetro Aussie male and frankly I prefer it that way. Just to prove the point - are you going anything more important this arvo?"

"I'd rather lose the Ashes," she says and turns to go.

"Just a minute, sweetie," says Greg. "I have another question. What the hell is that mess you give the kid. It looks as if it came straight from the slop bucket."

"It's tea latte," says our pet youngster, "and the lads in the dressing room - ask the waitress, she knows most of them - says it is good for a growing lad and budding athlete."

"One final question," sighs Greg. "How the hell did a country full of smart arse women, dumb young guys and with the weather forecasters from Hell build such a huge Empire?"

"You don't know anything, do you?" we say in chorus.